Yesterday I awoke to an email notifying me I'd sold a painting. 😀

It was one of my older abstract pieces that to me, feels like gold in the the depths of the ocean. There's a quietness to it, yet also a lot going on.💙

It's always exciting to see an order come in, but especially when its a piece of original art I created that someone else connected with. There is nothing better than the acknowledgment that something you spent precious time on and created from your Soul is also valued by someone else.

Today I launched my new Spirit Animal collection of paintings and my updated website. While there are still some technical things I'm working thru, and additional parts to the site I've not yet finished.....I am very excited for this collection to be seen and these paintings to find their place in the world (other than in my spare room.) 

I'm especially excited about the Tigers. And the lion. I have not been THAT giddy and excited to watch a painting materialize as I was with the "Fearless" tiger in a really long time. I was practically bouncing in my seat with every brushstroke that brought him closer to life, and just filled with tears of joy and thankfulness oozing out of me for the ability to manifest it. It's by far my favorite thing I've painted to date on this fine art path, and I've painted a lot of things.

That painting inspired the "Courageous" Lioness and the bigger Tiger piece "Unstoppable", as well as the bear. Cuz you cant have lions and tigers without bears...oh my! 😉😄

And I definitely have plans for an even bigger tiger painting I cant wait to start working on - like I seriously just want to paint a giant wall sized tiger right now haha. And I want to paint other big cats too...cheetah, leopard, lynx......maybe an entire series of big cats. Who knows. Abstracts and trees are calling me right now too........

Which will win a spot on canvas next?! haha...stay tuned!

Everyday the muse brings tons of ideas that float in and out of my mind.  Some swirl around a bit then leave, others stay and swirl for years (like this Spirit Animal Collection has been) . I will never be able to create ALL the ideas I have.....I'd need many many lifetimes for that haha. But I am excited to see what grabs hold and wants to be birthed thru me next.

And that's what this creative journey is all about.....that's what life is all about right? Grabbing onto something exciting and seeing where it will lead next.......a new job, a new relationship, a new city, a new creative project....but it doesn't have to be big and loud and life changing to have an impact.... just sitting and enjoying the sunshine and breeze on your face is being in purpose too. 

Simple pleasures, big exciting ones, and everything in between.... they all stretch your horizons and help you find center. To guide you towards living in YOUR purpose. We are only here for a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things. So its important to try to do as much of what we enjoy as we can. And yes, I know that's challenging in many ways for most of us at some point.....in many points (lets be honest here)....on our path. Universe knows I'm in the midst of some big trials and tribulations right now myself and trying hard to stay standing.

But if we allow those challenges to rule us.....we will miss the beauty and magic all around. 

And there is SOOO much beauty and magic and wonder in this world to see and experience.

I've spent the past week pretty much sequestered in my room at my computer preparing for this launch, so I cant exactly say I've been experiencing much beauty of late. Thankfully I have a desk set up in front of giant double window to look out so I don't feel totally stuck in a cave. But I also know all this work and staying up til 4 am night after night, has been a total labor of love. Because this is my passion. Where my excitement lies. Not so much in the days of computer and office work hahaha- but in that I know they are a part of bringing my creativity to the world. So the technical business stuff has to be done too. 

And all of it is leading to more of that beauty and magic and wonder. 

I mean its here now...I see it and I feel it when I take a moment to......I just want time and space for more of it. As often as possible. 

So I dance with the muse and I create. And I write. And I meditate. And I share. And I explore..... 

Speaking of which....its 64 degrees on this Ohio February day - a rarity for this time of year......So its time to leave my room and go out for a walk, and see what kind of beauty and magic I can experience in my own ordinary neighborhood today. Because things around us may seem ordinary, but if you look closer.....you might just find the magic too. 🌟

Sold painting - Golden Depths

Pipe Dream

 I have wanted to be a full time artist my entire life.

As a kid I spent hours looking at things. EVERY thing. Trying to figure out how to draw and paint that thing....from trees and flowers and people, to weird pipes sticking out of walls.....which I actually did draw in high school. There was this really random, uniquely shaped pipe in my high school art classroom sticking out of the wall by the ceiling. I stared at it all the time. So one day I decided to meticulously draw it for one of our weekly assignments. I mean why not draw a pipe right? haha. 

I spent days staring and drawing and shading that pipe to perfection. I was so proud of that drawing when I'd finished it. 

To protect pencil and charcoal drawings from smudging you typically spray a protective clearcoat on them. So after that last stroke of the pencil and careful brush away of eraser shavings.....I grabbed the clearcoat to protect one of the best drawings (in my adolescent opinion) I'd done to date. I just knew it was an A+ masterpiece ....as far as high school drawing assignments go anyway. ;-)

Only I had unknowingly grabbed brown spray paint.....not a clearcoat.

As those brown dots splattered and landed across my beautiful "pipe dream" of a drawing....my entire 18 year old self crumbled and about died. And I cried in the middle of that classroom. I had just ruined the best thing I'd created - the one thing I took solace in (Art) and that felt like was going right in my life....and I'd just failed it. Those emotions were additionally fueled by the painful homelife of the divorce my parents were going thru, and the boyfriend breakup I had also just been thru.....And yeah....that was not a good moment for me. 

In one push of a spray nozzle my world came crashing down around me in the middle of 5th period Art. 

As a born creative....I hated most of school academia...numbers especially. I typically love puzzles to solve....But I HATED math with a passion. I just did not get it and barely squeaked passing each year. And the rest of school ......rules and reports and tests and hours of studying stuff I didn't understand or want to learn about......just UGH! So I struggled with most academic type classes. 

But the Arts....ALL of the Arts.....from home ec to woodshop, choir to drama......those were my loves. I was drawn to anything that allowed freedom of expression and getting lost in my own world of creativity. In my junior year I'd made the decision to go to college for Art and focus on it career wise, so most of my senior classes were art based and independent study focused as I built my portfolio....and I loved it!

Annnnnd I'd just ruined my best portfolio piece.😭

But my art teacher came over and saw what happened, and hugged me and said...actually, its not ruined - its really not that bad and we can fix the parts that are. I think it looks really cool. It adds some subtle color and makes the pipe look kinda rusty and old.

 Ummm........what? How do you fix spray paint on a pencil drawing?

The spray paint nozzle THANKFULLY had been a bit clogged so it had mostly splattered little dots, more than being a big blob of solid spray. So as I dried my tears she showed me how to use the tip of an exacto knife to one by one carefully pick off some of the bigger dots from the board I'd drawn on...... but the rest she said to leave cuz they were barely visible at a distance and just added interest to the now mixed media drawing. 

Huh.

And I still got A+ on it. :-D

That day I learned that even when you do your best.....unintentional mistakes happen - but they can still be turned into something beautiful. You just need to dry your tears and see it from a new perspective. 

I also felt seen heard and lovingly supported by an adult.....something I wasn't getting much of in my life at that time. Rather than berating me and marking down my mistake, she helped me process and find a way thru it. God bless teachers. 💖

And THAT was Not where this blog was going when I typed the first line haha....I'd kinda forgotten about that story until I typed 'I stare at things like pipes' and it came up and this blog took a sharp turn. But I do actually stare at pipes, and interesting things and ordinary things, and piles of random stuff, and the way sunlight filters thru trees or between buildings and how shadows warp around objects...... It's who I am. My "artists eye" is always looking and trying to figure out how I would paint or draw that.....whatever.......What's interesting about that seemingly ordinary thing and would it make a good piece of Art?  Its a constant thought process for me. I'm always looking and staring and evaluating colors, and imagining how I'd interpret THAT on canvas or paper.

And when the spark is strong enough....I sit down at the easel or pull out my sketchbook. I've been doing a lot of that lately....painting and drawing whatever has been speaking to me. And now more than ever, I'm still striving to make a more focused living with it.

This past year has been particularly rough again for me tho. I won't go into all the details of it, but at one point last summer I found myself becoming homeless, jobless, friendless, moneyless and car-less all at the same time. When one domino fell.....the rest followed in a massive chain reaction until I was left on my knees needing to make some tough life altering decisions. Really I had very little choice.  Life was forcing me to clear out shit I'd long needed to let go of.... and pivot to make room for a new path.

So I left the beautiful state of North Carolina where I'd lived for 6+ years and moved back to Ohio and in with my sister and her family. I did miss being close to family, and I'm beyond thankful to have their loving support as I work on picking myself back up. (tho I gotta say I did NOT miss gray cold and snowy winters......man do I miss winter in the south now.)

Its been hard tho. All of it, but especially the loss of independence. There is some relief mixed in there too - so I know I'm on a better path for me now, but the underlying stress is still ongoing. Stress I've mostly been keeping to myself only sharing with those closest to me - it's felt safer that way.....or rather less open to judgement, pity and condemnation from others. But I also know help, and resources, and better things won't arrive if you don't ask for what you need, and speak up and share your story. Common stories and understanding are what bind us and show us we are not alone or the only one struggling with something.

As an oldest people pleasing child tho, asking for help is a special kind of torture to me - I just don't. like. doing. it. Its extremely hard for me to ask for help.  I "should" be able to do everything myself and figure shit out on my own........ But sometimes things are just too big to handle on your own. So I've really had to work thru a lot of those old traumas and belief systems lately and ask for the help I needed. Wishing and dreaming is great, but they are not enough to get you where you want to go. You've also got to align yourself to them with your actions. We are designed to live in community and need each other to best survive. We make each other stronger. And we learn and grow by sharing.

So this is me sharing where I'm at....open, raw, vulnerable...... and hopeful.......

As a 54 year old grown ass woman.....I feel deeply embarrassed to be where I am currently in my life - financially broke, in debt, most of my belongings in storage once again that I'm not sure I can even afford to keep paying for, and unable to support and live by myself right now. In truth I can't even pay my bills next week and I currently see no immediate incoming work or money to fix that. I'm doing my best to align to what I want and need, and I'm hopeful I KNOW a mural painting job will show up, or a piece of art or 10 will sell soon.  But at this moment its unclear when that will happen and that's scary as hell. I'm in a new city and no one knows me or my work enough to hire me here yet, nor do they know anything about my art yet.... and that takes time to build both online and locally. I haven't worked a "regular" job in over 25 years and I'm not really qualified for anything other than something with painting or some low level low wage position...so that doesn't feel like a solid option. Working for myself is what I know...it's what I need to do especially with my health history - being able to make my own schedule is vital for my wellbeing. But starting over is hard....so anxiety is doing a number on me. As are those moments of vulnerability and self condemnation that grab hold and say WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU - why are you here in this situation, and how the fuck are you gonna get out of it?! 

I've been ashamed, guilt ridden, and in depressed, anxious, survival mode what feels like most of my life, and I'm just so tired of the struggles and people pleasing. I'm tired of HAVING to do things I don't want to do and settle for less. I'm tired of overwhelm and not sleeping at night. I'm tired of hearing voices inside and out telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not worth that, I'm wrong for doing things the way I do them. I'm mad at our government and tax and healthcare systems - I haven't been to a doctor or dentist in years - I have insurance - with my health history I cant afford Not to have it in an emergency.....but the premiums and deductibles are so high I also cant afford to even go for well visits and add those hundreds and thousands of dollars of bills to my already strained finances too. Rent and food and everyday item prices are getting ridiculously high......yet wages are still low. People want and expect high quality work and products....but they don't want to pay high quality wages for it.....

WTF is going on in our world? Where is the work life balance and compassion for our fellow humans? The rich are getting richer and more controlling and the poor are getting poorer and more stuck. And I'm not even gonna touch the fear I feel about the next 4 years....things are getting scary and it's only been 2 weeks...... 

I want to help make the world a better place...I really do......but I can barely do that for myself right now. So I think I need to dial back in and start with ME first. Just REALLY focus on me and my desired path and purpose. I've been on this healing journey for years - done SO much work on myself and I've come a long way already, but there's still work to be done and improvements to be be made. I think the whole also becomes stronger when the individuals become stronger in themselves. 

So healing starts with us.

I feel like I'm a good and worthy and deserving person. I have worked hard my whole life at trying to do everything 'right', to keep my bills paid on time, to follow the rules, to help others and be supportive and do the best at what I can.....yet I still can't seem to come out on top. Or rather I can't seem to stay on top.

Yet. 

I'm not giving up tho.

Depression wants me to give up. To just let everything I've tried so hard to keep above water thru pain staking struggle and exhausting effort..... sink and dissolve away. 

Ego me is terrified of losing control.

Scared, conformist, play it safe me wants someone else to please just tell me what to do to fix things.

Heart and Soul me.......Just wants to create and be carefree. 

And therein lies my calling. My part of contributing to the whole in this lifetime is to bring more beauty to it thru my art and work. To make things look better. To add MORE color to the world - goodness knows we need color and creative freedom now more than ever when so much of it is being canceled and taken away. 

 I'm here to be unapologetically ME and share my experiences and interpretations of the world as I see it....the natural, the unique and the magical parts we forgot about. Magic is all around us, but we are so caught up in the hardships and everyday tasks of trying to get ahead and be better.....we are missing it. 

So my job as a creative is to be in my truth and birth more color and magic and reminders that beauty and wonder is all around us, for as much of the world as I can reach......

To build this full time artist life I've dreamed of my entire life...... since 18 year old me learned that mistakes can still be beautiful, and may in fact enhance the situation, rather than ruin it.

My physical body has also been telling me to lean towards this since my first heart attack 16 years ago, my 4th heart attack 8 years ago, lung cancer 4 years ago and a second ruptured disk in my lower back last year......each event slowing me down more and more...making the physical labor of doing the type of work I used to do....more and more challenging to go out and do. 

'Oh...you don't want to listen to heart and Soul and think this other way is better just cuz its comfortable and familiar to you.....well here's another health punch to slow you down.....here's exhaustion and stress and anxiety and flat tires and a broken car and another unexpected expensive emergency, and STILL not enough money despite all your hustling..... You listening yet?'

EVERYTHING - every sign and message and bit of guidance that comes to me in a myriad of ways lately and loudly....is telling me to slow down, step away from the old ways, stay home...and just create. Go be in nature, meditate, listen to your soul, build community, connect to the Universe, go with the flow, follow my passion and joy......just BE.....Me. That I WILL be supported when I choose my Soul path.

That THAT is what I'm meant to be doing.

So I started Art and Soul a few years ago in pursuit of that dream - my online store where I sell my Fine Art and products made from my Art in the name of following my passion. I have some pretty cool things to offer if I do say so myself - paintings and creations I've been super excited and proud of that spoke strongly enough to flow thru me and out onto canvas.  

But my sales have been few and my reach has been low cuz my focus has been unfocused and disproportionally divided - far too focused on the other type of work I've done in the name of paying bills, of which has monopolized most of my time and energy....leaving little left in me to do much of anything for my art. 

So it just sits here in a spare bedroom. Then I get desperate (cuz hello....bills, flat tires....) and I try to run a sale discounting prices hoping to sell anything.....which then cheapens and devalues the work.....and it still sits here unsold - cuz I'm treating it so badly.  I have zero idea how to market or audience build, nor have I had time to learn it, or had money to pay someone to help. 

I also have deep fears and childhood trauma about being seen and heard and judged....so no one knows me and barely sees me or my work. And the lack of sales then hits my self worth.....and so I disappear again hiding in debt, shame and self judgement.....

Sigh. 

I've been doing everything wrong.....and I know it.....I've been following desperation and struggle and money.... and not my heArt and Soul. 

My art DOES have value and is good....I know that. It just hasn't found its audience yet - that takes time and consistency to build and I know that too. I just keep giving up too fast and allowing outside forces to influence me and pull me away. There are billions of people in the world and I currently only have a few hundred followers, so I know I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of potential fans yet. I just haven't been able to focus to magnetize them yet. 

So I just need to keep going.

And this massive transition I'm in right now....in a new city and state where no one knows me or my work and thus jobs have not been showing up yet (and maybe they're not cuz that's the wrong direction now for me).....these months of time at home have been allowing me to rebuild and finally focus on my Art - the full time path I've been wanting and wishing and hoping I could follow someday.....

Well....someday is now.  

In a few days I am relaunching Art and Soul with a newly designed and updated website, more cohesive branding and a new series of paintings - mostly new ones I've done the last few months plus a few older pieces I'm reintroducing that fit the theme.  

And my pricing has all gone up to where it should be for fine art - no more listening to people's opinions who know nothing about art and are keeping me small. My talent and art is high quality and high value and has 54 years of experience behind it.....and its past time I stop treating it as less than.  If anything I'm still on the low side of pricing, but that's mainly because I'm still widely unknown. As my audience grows and my art sells tho, my prices will continue to increase...which means the value of my art will continue to increase over time too. (so get it now! wink wink) 

And my marketing guru daughter Kendra has blessedly stepped in to help me rebuild everything and take control of growing my audience and reach. She has designed an entire weekly by many months out marketing plan lol, so expect to see more posts, emails and blogs from me from now on too. Full time artist means regular and consistent visibility. (And if you like what you see in that aspect I can connect you to her as she is building a marketing business for herself too and looking for more clients.:-) )

I listened to a podcast with Kyle Cease the other day where he said something along the lines of....doing work just so you can get money to pay bills is basically like telling your Soul it doesn't matter. Ooof...that hit. I've been stuck in that for years. Doing misaligned work for money keeps one in struggle and survival mode, and from reaching their highest potential - draining you and keeping you from your hopes and dreams. But when you align to your Soul, to your dreams and follow what you love......you will attract more wealth and happiness from unexpected places and in ways you cant even begin to imagine. And I know that's correct....I've seen the proof in others, and in all the micro alignment adjustments I've made for myself in the last 10 years or so.

Every time I realign my world rights its self just a bit more. 

But I have yet to take the BIG leap. To go ALL in. I've been too afraid about those dang bills and what if I cant pay them. Well, here I am.....I cant pay them right now. So I either go back to what I've done before and do something just for money to pay them...OR I leap and trust that the net will show and there is MORE money and goodness on my Soul aligned path like I keep being told and guided towards then I will find anywhere else.

So......I'm leaping.

 I'm stepping all in to being a full time artist and following my Soul. Its both exciting....and terrifying....

But I KNOW I have the talent to make this a success, I just need to believe it and in Me. 

I'm trusting the Universe and the constant signs telling me...Go THIS way. Stop delaying and waiting for a better time. The time Is NOW. You WILL be supported. Trust and Believe. This is NOT a "pipe dream"....its YOUR dream - the one you've wanted and asked for your whole life....This is YOUR Unique purpose and path.......and all those "mistakes" and mis-steps and challenges were just necessary steps leading you here - ready to finally embrace your aligned path. 

So stay tuned to see how this all goes.

And in case you were wondering....I went to storage and dug thru my high school art box to find the pipe drawing 18 year old me did - see below. I still think its an A+ drawing.😁 Its hard to tell cuz I did a pretty good job with the exacto knife...but the brown specks of paint are still there if you look close. I also forgot I had entered this piece into a scholastic arts award show at the encouragement of my teacher - the entry form is still taped to the back of it. I didn't win anything that I remember...but it was still good enough for an art show...mistakes and all. More proof of rising from the proverbial ashes so to speak. What seems like a mistake to one person, can be beautiful to another....its all about perspective.