Creative Battle

 

On this beautiful Easter day, my thoughts are centered around the battles I have with myself and creativity - my gift from the Universe.

I saw a video this morning with Elizabeth Gilbert and Russel Brand talking about creativity. I’m totally paraphrasing here but basically Liz talked about this internal battle we so often face. Creatives are given a “thing” (for her its writing, for me its Artistic talent) from this great mysterious place. I call it the Universe and my Soul. Some call it God, or Spirit, or the great unknown….but whatever you call it and wherever it comes from it is unique and special to each of us and part of our purpose in this lifetime.

As we are developing our gift, we often find ourselves in that place of frustration where our work is NOT reflective of what’s in our head. We KNOW what “Good” looks like – we’ve seen it and heard it in others and even in our own minds……yet we ourselves just can’t seem to make what we are working on THAT kind of good (yet). And thus we go to war with ourselves and our creative muse.

We fight with the gift we have been given rather than nurturing it.

We all know practice makes us better. (I hesitate to say perfect, as there is no such thing – tho the perfectionist in me is giving me the hands on hips side eye at that statement lol.) It takes time, lots of learning and trial and error to get “good” at something.

So often we have an amazing idea and see its end result in our imaginings – and the excitement of it drives us to set forth on this creative adventure with stars in our eyes and a skip in our step.

But when the reality doesn’t quite match up….Ego steps in and we start beating ourselves up, even if it was our first attempt at it. We feel like since we imagined it, we SHOULD know how to do this thing we’ve never done before. But when we don’t, we like a failure – who do you think you are to create like THAT – you’re not that good, that smart, that talented. See! That was a stupid idea.

And we stop ourselves before we really even get going.

I can’t tell you how many half-painted canvases and sketchbooks full of ideas I have laying around unfinished and unrealized. Ideas that started off exciting and full of life but hit a roadblock somewhere along the way (either in my head or in their execution or in my lack of time) and instead of finding my way around….I left them abandoned at the side of the easel, thinking maybe someday I’ll be in a better place to finish them.

And there they still sit.

I’ve been drawing and painting in some way or another for almost 50 years. You would think I’d be amazing and uber confident in my abilities by now. And in some areas, I am. 20 some years of painting murals, especially at daycares where I had deadlines and massive amounts of detailed work to get done in a short amount of time – taught me how to be quick and push thru the roadblocks. I feel very confident in my skills and execution of meeting my, and my client’s expectations as a mural artist, even when the logistics of the job itself are overwhelming and frustrating.

But I’m struggling to translate that drive and energy into the fine art studio artist side of things – a world I very much need and want to transition to as a main source of income. 4 heart attacks and lung cancer have taken a toll on my body and energy levels, and I need to move away from the physically demanding labor of standing and climbing ladders and scaffolds all day every day.

I would love nothing more than to spend my days in my studio creating magic and having it fully support me. That is the dream. And I don’t think its an unrealistic one given the talent I have been graced with.

I have yet to zero in on my creative voice tho – that “thing” I’m known for and is easily recognizable as MY style and that draws people to my art and makes them want to buy. I feel like I’m still all over the place – playing and experimenting with whatever Sparks my Soul in each moment - Animals, women, children, abstracts, landscapes, seascapes, trees, swirls, bright colors….so many ideas, so little time, especially with working a day job too.

That lack of focused consistency, and no looming deadlines to meet like I have with mural jobs, AND the frustrations of not always being able to fully translate the images in my head, has me not following thru time after time. It has me fighting a war with my own creativity – wanting it to be better than it currently is, when the only way its gonna get better…..is to keep painting and working on it.

To ALLOW my creativity and ‘voice’ the freedom and joy of playing and manifesting however they want to emerge from me – in their own way and time. To just let go of all expectations and FEEL into the creative process. THAT is where the magic happens. That is zone I LOVE getting lost in and where my Soul is happiest.

But while its easy to say – just do that then - actually doing it tends to be another story.

This is the path of the creative tho. Finding the balance of work and life and indulging the muse – not fighting against it.

So I’ve been working hard at accepting what is. Because it is what it is – this life, this moment, this circumstance or struggle. I may not like what IS. I may want to change everything about what IS – but it still IS right now. And getting upset about it serves no purpose – that won’t change what IS.

The only way to make what IS feel better is to accept it. And allow it to help you take the steps towards the better things you do want.

For me that means finding my way thru the roadblocks, meeting my creative muse on the other side again with an open heart and mind, and seeing where it leads.

Back to easel I go.