Decision made

 

My beautiful, wise, long time Soul Sister friend gave me some tough love yesterday that in a roundabout way – opened my eyes. I often seek her tough love because I know it comes from a good place. She just has a magical way of saying the hard things I need to hear in loving and supportive ways. Things I usually already know but don’t always listen to, haha.

I think sometimes we just need to hear a thing we already know from someone else – to see it from a different perspective. You know?

Her call came late at night after watching the incredibly vulnerable video I posted online as a way of introducing myself on my Art and Soul page. A video I was terrified to do and release, but has been long overdue so I did anyway because I know its important for people to see and hear the person behind the art. (Tho I didn’t mean for it to be what it ended up being, but evidently the Universe did lol.)

People connect to art in a variety of ways – to its meaning, to its colors or design, to a memory or a reminder that’s personal to them, or maybe there’s something motivational or inspirational about it. But often their pull to a piece of art is also enhanced or influenced by their connection to the artist themself.

And right now, nobody really knows me…..so no one is really connecting to my art. (Yet.) I have a very small following of mostly friends and acquaintances (currently). I haven’t done any art shows (yet) or been featured in any galleries (yet). And while I’ve posted a few pictures of myself painting…mostly I do not show myself, nor do I talk on camera or even off camera by way of voiceover…..I just share the art itself and hope it magically connects with someone. 

Oh - and I write here sometimes because I do find it easier to write. Tho I rarely share this blog, and I tend to write a LOT and I know peoples attention spans are short nowadays, so I don't know that anyone is even seeing me here either.

I’ve known I needed to step into visibility for years, but I’ve held myself back, waiting til I looked or felt better, or was more confident, or had better art, or (insert the dozens of other excuses I’ve come up with over the years here). I have this idea that hey – if Banksy can make millions of dollars and no one knows who he is…. why cant I be a success without being seen or heard too?

I mean it IS possible right? If he can do it…..

But I’m not Banksy, and my Art isn’t meant to be a big political or social statement piece (at this time anyway). So that thinking has been getting me nowhere good, or fast…just holding me back.

But yesterday I suddenly faced my fear of being seen and heard. I’ve had this perfectly produced introduction video idea in my head for weeks now and have been slowly gathering and creating pieces and parts of it, but not really getting very far on it. Because frankly – I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to that. My tech skills are very small and basic. I mean I don’t even know how to use photoshop which feels embarrassing as an artist.

But there I was in my art storage space looking for the next painting to share a post of when I decided to turn on the camera and just talk. And I cried. And I shared some of myself and my fears and my dreams. I had unbrushed messy hair, no makeup, dark circles under my eyes, bad lighting and sound….  I shared I was confused and lost and scared of doing this, that I was trying to make it as an artist but it wasn’t working so far and that I was totally broke and exhausted. But I was still determined, because this is my purpose. So I was stepping up for myself and my art and saying Hi…this is me….mess and all, and if you’d like to see my art or follow this messy journey I’m on – here’s where to find it.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve done, especially as an introvert, and absolutely nothing like I planned and wanted it to be for a first on camera intro video.  (Seriously Andrea? You couldn’t even brush your hair? Good grief.)

I do NOT like being seen or talking on camera OR being vulnerable in front of others, especially when I don’t look or feel my best. Heck I struggle to even talk to people in person without being emotional or near on panicking at times – so I often don’t. I tend to be the quiet one keeping to herself in the corner – watching, and not participating. I’ve been working on that tho, and I obviously hit the - 'I don't care' stage yesterday when I turned the camera on lol. This video felt like a huge leap for me – one I’m very proud to have made despite how I looked or sounded. It cracked open my protective shell and began to let the light in.

But I’m still very much broke. And My art is still not selling right now.

And so my dear friend lovingly told me…… it was time to get a job.

Sigh.

Getting a job has been on my mind for a long time. Obviously.  

After working for myself the last 25+ years tho….the thought of that just makes everything in me anxious and inwardly cringe and want to cry. It hurts my Soul.

But bills DO need to be paid. And I do have debts including back taxes.

So I Do need money. Now.

So after we hung up - I job searched before bed.

It was just frustrating and defeating feeling because I have no qualifications for anything substantial enough to support me.  Nor do I feel like I have the physical ability for anything labor intensive anymore like I’ve always done - even part time. Which doesn’t leave a lot of options. I did find a couple of jobs I felt I could probably do at some big box stores and one small chain shop. But the wages are low. And the amount of work I’d do compared to the returns and earnings Id receive was depressing and felt like a waste of my valuable time. Still I crunched the numbers and I imagined myself doing the jobs and how I would feel during and after work, and the socialization I might gain, and would this actually truly help me even a little bit……and the conclusion I came to was….

I choose Art.

The negative costs and expenses are just too high to choose otherwise – mentally, physically and financially. I just couldn’t see that til I fully examined it today at my friends prompting. And by keeping getting a job on the back burner all this time too, I realized that has also kept my energy divided and me unfocused and confused.

My entire life I have been setting art aside. The first major time was when I wasn’t able to go back to Art School after my freshman year due to lack of money.  A year later I had fought my way back there, but then got pregnant and married and had to drop out at the end of the year. I chose being a mom and wife over continuing my art education (and I wouldn’t change being a mom or wife either, just saying – I had to set art aside again). As the kids grew, I chose part time jobs in my spare time instead of art. Those jobs turned to choosing murals once that path showed up – and even tho those ARE art – they were art for others…not necessarily the art I wanted to create from inside me.  Still I was at least creating something and skill building and that was good.

In recent times when I finally started to set up art studios in spare rooms to paint in – murals, and painting cabinets and furniture monopolized SO much of my time that I again had nothing left for Art. For my Soul. I was closer to my art path than ever before, yet I was working my butt off on an adjacent path in the name of paying bills but still not making ends meet enough. I felt stuck. I HAD to pay bills and this work was all I knew, so I kept on clinging to it. I tried to find some balance for art too, but was never fully able to cuz I was so damn tired and stressed and burned out all the time. And my body and Soul were screaming at me too, and that was coming out as heart attacks and extremely low energy, and ruptured disks in my back, and broken toes, and lung cancer, and not sleeping, and roller coaster depression, headaches, anxiety and panic attacks.

And then my world exploded last year. I had to move cities and states, put everything in storage and move in with my sister because I could no longer afford my own place…..and start again. But work starting drying up – it stopped showing up despite my efforts to advertise and seek it out. And every job that did happen show up here and there, my body and Soul have been like – WTF are you doing?! Stop this.

So I started focusing on Art more and more…cuz I finally had the time for it. For the first time I began to choose Art just this year. A few months ago I told myself I was going all in to build my dream. Yet as my money continued to barely trickle in and dry up, my survival mode instincts have kicked in wildly, panic attacks have increased, and my energy has been torn and lost and confused and desperate and bouncing all over the place….. What do I do? Which way do I really go? I am NOT this person who doesn’t pay bills! SOMETHING MUST change….NOW!! But what? How? Where?

I don’t know what to do!! How do I do any of this?! I need Money!! Where do I get it?

DO I get a job? I don’t want one – I want peace, and ease and joy! I want to enjoy what I do. I deserve that! Don’t I? I want to work for myself not someone else. Do I even know how to do that – look where I am now. Ugh. I just want to create things – there is SO much inside me that needs to come out! What do I create next tho? Will it be enough? What if its not? What if I’m not enough? What if no one likes my art? Is it even any good if no one is buying it? I have SO much Art - if it would just sell I'd be great - why is no one buying? Does it suck? Do I suck? Is it just marketing? How do I market? How do I sell stuff without selling? Without being seen? I don’t wanna be seen. I hate sales. I need help. I cant afford help. Omg I don’t know what the fuck to do…..do I just go get a freaking job?

When I really get quiet and listen tho - Everything in me says NO.

Absolutely Not.

Every time I even consider it.

I’m not qualified for anything except painting. I never finished college. I’m not certified in anything and even tho I’ve run my own business for 25 years- its not exactly been a success story I can reference.  But getting a job job working for someone else - my heart and mind know the money will never be enough no matter the job, and it will drain my energy no matter if its full or part time, and I'll have nothing left for my Art.  I KNOW that to the depths of my Soul. Especially when I can paint a mural in a day or two, or sell a piece of art, that could pay me more in a day than a week or even a month working at a regular job.

Art IS the way. For me.

It just is. Its my Souls purpose.

I just have to build it and find my way with it and what that looks like moving forward now. Fully focus and commit to it and stop bouncing all over the place questioning everything. The signs have been consistent for months, for years, my entire life. My card for this week is even titled – Stay the Course. Have the courage and strength to move thru obstacles towards your dream.

Choose ART.

Now.

Fully.

It time to stop dividing my energy between things and ideas and stresses and possible alternate considerations that aren’t serving me and just keep confusing me. Its time to step up for myself and Choose Art.

Because if I don’t – If I turn back around towards a job now….. if I chase money over my dream and Soul’s purpose again…… if I climb back up that scary crevasse I just bravely leapt off of yesterday in video…..I am telling my art, my Soul and my courage…. No! That they are not worthy of my time and undivided attention.

And if I do that yet again…. I wont ever find my way with it.

Its now or never.

This is it – this is the pivotal moment…..

Job or Art.

Cuz I cant do both. Not with any success. I know myself and I don’t have the energy to split between two job pursuits. I just don’t. Its getting less and less with each passing day.

So I’m choosing Art.

I’m choosing to stop being so scattered and confused, and pulled in different directions…… and to fully dial in.

I am recalibrating and aligning to the best of my ability to my authenticity, my Art, and my SOUL.

My Soul always knows the way. I say it all the time…yet I keep Not fully trusting in it. I think I am…but I’m really not.

I’m done with the doubt tho. DONE. Right here, right now I am choosing to follow my Art, no matter how broke I get before it gets better. I am trusting it WILL get better now that I'm realigning,  because I KNOW it is the way. There is more wealth on this path than I can see and imagine from where I stand now. I wouldn’t have been given this talent or dream otherwise.

I just need to be brave enough to step into it fully. 

So I love you my dear friend, I greatly appreciate your wisdom and support and tough love. It helped me figure out what I’ve known I needed to do my entire life……

 

I.                    Choose.        Art.

 

OH, and as if I needed more confirmation of my decision making – I pulled an oracle card after I made this decision today….and the card I pulled was “Indecision” of all things - but reversed (upside down). I kid you not.  And its message was – You just made an important decision. Release the confused energy you’ve been feeling and bring new structure and clarity to your plans and life. Your Soul IS guiding you and has been all along! Open to potential, create clear and powerful intentions regarding your choice and move forward with purpose and personal power knowing you are supported.

 

I mean seriously - You can’t make this shit up!

The signs are everywhere and I'm choosing to follow where they lead.

Colorless world?

I saw a post recently that asked - "Have you noticed how the world has become bland and colorless?"

Honestly - I hadn't until I stopped and really thought about it. I see colors all the time....but is that because as an artist I intentionally look for color's beauty?

Upon deeper contemplation though, I think I also have subconsciously noticed the dulling of our world and that's why I am always so drawn to bolder colors and using them in my art. 

Cars have gone from bright and vibrant a few decades ago.....to mostly black, gray white and tan. Home decor has become more neutral, and a quick Google search confirms the most popular clothing colors right now are also blue, black, white and gray. 

Why is that? 

What happened to the rest of the colors? Where are the oranges and reds, the pinks and greens, the bright blues, purples, and the yellows? Have you noticed that most of the colors nowadays are found in children's clothing, toys and decor? Or only brought out for a holiday, a party or favorite teams game day? 

Sure you can find clothing, decor and cars in some colors...but the colors of yesteryear have mostly been muted down. I was shopping for a baby shower gift yesterday and noticed that there are entire sections of infant toys that come in more muted dull colors too now (to match your neutral home). What is happening? 

Where are all the colors going?

Who decided you should only use bright colors for kids items, or as an accent in your home or attire - just a "pop of color" properly paired with neutrals. 'Can't be too bold or out there....you'll look crazy!'  Who made these color "rules", why are they SO strong, and why are we all following them? Some magazine or company trying to capitalize on a past trend, or lead markets in new ways so they can control us and maintain their profitability?

As a painter I hear clients say all the time - I'm afraid to decorate with color. I don't know how or which way is right, so I just stick with neutral. Neutral is safe.

Why is that? When did we become so afraid of color?

Was it in high school? College? At our first job where we were ridiculed for our brightness and confidence? "Who do you think you are to stand out like that - you're a grown up now, not a kid - act like one." 

Is that when we began to hide our true selves so we could better fit in? 

Why do we use color to stimulate and teach our youth, but then abandon and demonize it as we age?

Have those emboldened adults that actually haven't abandoned color and who in fact embrace it loudly and proudly....scared the powers that be so much to the point they are making less things available in colors...... in the aim to erase individuality and covertly demand obedience?

Is color becoming vintage?

Can one only fit in and be taken seriously in bland colors and unstimulating environments?

Why are official buildings, and workplaces, and stores so blah and lifeless? 

Why can you "not wear white after labor day" or bright summery colors in winter - when they could totally lighten the winter doldrums? 

Have you noticed how your mood changes when you wear brightly colored clothes versus neutral or dull dark ones? Don't you feel just a bit more empowered? Stand a little taller? Feel a little stronger in your self?

Why is pink only for girls and blue only for boys? Red and white for one party, blue and yellow for another, rainbow for yet another.... and wearing the opposite teams colors means you're a traitor and looked down upon and worthy of being bullied......even if you're just wearing or decorating with it because you happen to like that color outside of any particular groups branding. 

Why is one color acceptable and another not?

Why is color seen as a rule to be followed..... rather than as a celebration of self expression? 

Why is individuality seen as bad? 

Why does wearing and decorating with color, especially in the workplace, seem to mean you are less likely to be taken seriously, less accomplished, and not grown up? 

And why are we allowing all of that to seep into our homes, cars, clothes and minds? 

I'm sure there are countless studies on these very questions and topics, all giving a variety of answers that are ultimately serving some advertising campaign that funded the study, or fitting into some corporate or government agenda that wants to keep the masses calmly focused and following along in some arbitrary line or box they made up that says this way is good and that way is not. I'm sure there are studies that address why its better to not be overstimulated with color especially in workplaces. And I'm sure there is some merit to each of them.

Why have we allowed it to permeate everything else though, too? 

Isn't dulling the world around us....also dulling our minds? Our imaginations? Our inventiveness? Our creativity and playfulness? 

Isn't trying to fit us all neatly into a box, hindering our ability to think outside the box and solve problems and evolve into better beings?

Where is all the color going?

I mean I'm just as prone to wear neutrals and not stand out as the next person. There's no denying the elegance and "slimming effects of wearing black". Navy blue is my personal favorite go to color in clothing. 

But I also have a thing for bright magenta pink. It's my number two color choice. And rich turquoise greens, and salmon-y corals......I have t-shirts and clothes in every color of the rainbow and beyond. I love to wear color and decorate with it. Does that make me more childish and my opinions and work less valuable when it comes to the serious topics of life?

Growing up in the 70's color and pattern was everywhere. In the 80's fluorescent was the big thing. As a highschooler, the hot new car color in the late 80's was a sparkly teal green. It was my dream car color back then. I never did get a teal car, and I'm not sure that's even a thing anymore unless you custom order one. But back then bold color and uniqueness was all the rage. 

Now its kinda strange to see a colorful vehicle. Or a colorfully dressed person. They ARE out there, but they definitely stand out in the sea of neutral we have today....and unfortunately we as a society tend to judge them. Often harshly. We may not say it out loud, but we definitely think some kind of not so positive opinions. "Wow, I could never.......omg, what were they thinking?"

But do you also notice how you secretly admire them for their bold colorful choices?

For walking their truth. 

I know I do. I often wish I was brave enough to live more fully out loud. 

Be honest - haven't you thought that at some point in your life too? That you wished you could more freely and openly express yourself without fear of rebuke? Where did our bravery in personal expression go?

Why do we care so much what others think?

Why has society been SO conditioned to NOT stand out? 

Why do we judge so harshly those that do?

Why is being different......bad?

As an artist and one who loves bright bold vibrant color, but also has dealt with a lot of judgement and shaming for ....well everything....from the way I look and think, to the colors I use and the way I create my art.......I struggle with these questions often.

Conform and fit in......or be bold and stand out?

Some days I have more confidence to be seen in my true colorful nature than others. The pull of societal standards is definitely a strong people pleasing trap I fall into repeatedly though.

I also notice how when life starts battering away at me I tend to shrink. I wear darker blander clothing and keep to myself more - don't look at me, I'm not worthy of being seen right now.  Of course days of colorless thinking like that often lead to depression and isolation and a mind full of stories and fear based beliefs. 

To get myself out of that downward spiral, I typically will turn back towards color.

Why do I feel so much better when I wear and see more color? 

When I can smear and drip and splatter and blend vibrant colors across a boring, plain white canvas?

I think it makes 5 year old me happy. Because my Soul IS color. Color makes me feel alive. It reminds me that just because I'm a grown up and dealing with hard things....it doesn't mean I have to dress down, hide myself, and fit in with what everyone else deems acceptable. 

I am not here to conform, I am here to be ME. In all my colorful creative glory. 

What exactly does that mean? Ha! I have no idea - I'm still evolving and uncovering the blanket of suppression society has tried to smother me with.  I just know I feel better and more alive in a world that is rich in color and vibrancy....not this drab tiresome one that seems to be taking shape all around us in recent times.

When there are SOOOO many rich gorgeous colors available to us now a days...colors that didn't even exist once upon a time......why are we as a society suppressing them so much?

I think that is why I use the colors I do in my art too. I've had people question my use of color in the past - ugh, why would you use those colors - no one wants that in their homes - do you see anyone with those colors in their homes? I thought you wanted to sell your art?

To that I say - maybe no one has it in their homes for this very reason.....society has dulled down our world and made it so these bright beautiful colors are unavailable in stores. Told us they're too loud, too weird, too much, too out of the box. 

Maybe they don't have them in their homes because they cant find them. Because a lot of the Art world has also conformed to society and people pleasing. The mass produced corporate Art anyway.

So maybe part of my duty and purpose as an individual artist is to reintroduce color to the world. To make more color available to those who have forgotten how color can make you feel. 

My mission as an artist is to ignite the Soul thru the magic of color and imagery, share my interpretations of the world as I see and desire it to be, to help make the world a more colorful place, and to inspire others to tap into what ignites their Soul as well. 

Because our colors are being bullied and are disappearing. 

I think that is the journey of the artist within all of us. To ignite our individual Souls and cast off the blankets of colorless suppression trying to control us and mold us into someone else's vision and standards. 

So what colors ignite your Soul? Are you wearing them? Claiming them in your decorating styles and everyday choices? Or are you telling yourself neutral and societal standards are good enough- its fine - color is for kids, not for adults. 

Have you ever thought about where those ideas and beliefs come from?  

There is absolutely nothing wrong with neutral colors by the way - I'm not saying that at all - they have their beautiful places and uses too. ALL Colors are valuable and needed. 

All I'm saying is - don't be afraid to use brighter bolder colors as well - especially if you love them. Just because someone somewhere said something about how and where and why with regards to colors.....doesn't mean that's correct for everyone all of the time. 

You have to do what calls and speaks to YOU. 

We were created as uniquely individualized beings with our own likes and dislikes - born to stand out, not fit in. So BE the colorful Soul you are. 

This world needs some colorful brightening up right now. 

Your Soul will thank you. 

Picture of me at grown up summer camp in my "heartstrong" superhero costume - boldly being the empowered hero of my life that I am...... 

.......and my favorite colorful painting - Come Alive.

Because what the world needs most right now is for each of us to Come Alive! :-D

Soul Connection and Art

What exactly IS a Soul Connection?

Has a piece of art ever called to you? Like really pulled you in and mesmerized you? It occurred to me today after a conversation with a friend, that I may be assuming that everyone understands the concepts of ‘Spirit Animals’, ‘Soul Connection’, and ‘messages and signs’  like I do, and the deeper values and meanings they have within the art I create. But even I really didn’t dive into Spirit Animals or notice all the ‘signs’ I was getting until about 11 years ago. Before that I kinda sorta knew about them as a concept…but I didn’t KNOW until I experienced them in big meaningful ways, and learned more about them. So where I see a landscape that reminds me of that one place I visited that one time or maybe hope to experience someday..….or I see an animal that brings a smile to my face or it reminds me to dig deep and source my inner power……for some of you - you may just see another landscape, another abstract, or another tiger painting. However you see it is just right for you because Art is after all, a visual experience on the surface at the very least. You may like the colors in it. You may like the animal or subject matter. You may like the style. You may understand the deeper levels of meaning and messaging. Or….. you may not. Everything is subjective to the individual styles, tastes and the desires of your own being and spaces. My Art may or may not fit for you and your space right now….and that’s perfectly perfect either way. I’m just happy to share it with you and put it out into the world. Its all part of the cycle. We each know what speaks to us………or doesn’t. Be it Art, clothes, foods, places or things…..even people. THAT is what Soul connection is – being attracted to (or repelled by) things that resonate somewhere deep inside each of us on core individual levels. Its like the color yellow…..we all have opinions about it. Some love it, some hate it, and some really don’t care either way. (no opinion is also an opinion) Personally – I’m not a big fan of yellow. At times I’ve even hated it. With a passion. Its my least favorite color. I own zero clothes with yellow in them, very few things in my home are yellow…..it is just not a color I gravitate to in any way. Its often too bright, loud and obnoxious for me and does not look good on me. But….as an artist…..I also see its value. I need it in my creations. I do love very light, soft, paler versions of yellow, especially as an accent color enhancing the deeper jewel tone colors I often use. And it’s magic and worth cannot be denied in the beams and sparkles of sunlight highlighting elements and making a painting glow.  Years ago I forced myself to create several mostly yellow paintings to learn how to work better with this sunny loud color I had so much aversion to. And to my shock - several of those paintings actually sold. Of all the (in my opinion) dozens of much “prettier” colored paintings I’d done, I thought for sure those yellow pieces would sit on my storage shelves the longest and eventually get painted over……but I was proven wrong. Some people DO Love yellow. It connects to THEIR Soul.  It has a deeper meaning and draw for them. It brings some kind of magic and comfort and joy to them. Probably in the similar ways blue teal and pink combinations bring joy to me.  Or reds and golds and even black bring to someone else. THAT is Soul connection and what I mean when I talk about Sparks of Soul - those things that light you up. It’s a deeply personal, individual feeling and knowing of – I LIKE THIS.  Or - I do NOT like that….and then following where that like or dislike leads to, or away from. We all like what we like for a deeply personal reasons. Even if we don’t know what that reason is at first glance. We just know what we like or not. And just to note - our personal likes and dislikes do not make us ‘wrong’ just because others around us don’t feel the same way about a thing. We may all be connected in commonality as a species, and to something bigger than us we don’t fully understand…..but we are still individuals within the collective with our own thoughts and preferences. We are our own Soul trying to find our way in the world through the choices we make. We are allowed to like what we like and have different opinions than others. It doesn’t make one of us wrong and the other right….it just makes us different. It’s what makes this journey uniquely ours. It’s what makes US as individuals special. So connect to your Soul and figure out what you truly deeply like. Claim it. Embrace it. Love it. Allow it to show you the way and truth of who you are. You don’t need permission to be gloriously YOU. Just BE! Live your magical life the way YOU want. Like what you like- unapologetically. Life is boring, stressful, confusing and dark when following in someone else’s shadow. Step out into the light and LIVE the colors of your Soul. Surround yourself with it. Wear it. Decorate your home and office with it. Explore more of those Soul Sparks. I guarantee you’ll find more Joy and Peace in your life when you do. From my Colorful Soul to yours, Andrea P.s – I’d love to know what colors actually Do spark your Soul and why – hit reply and let me know. I would love to connect with more of you on Soul levels and hear what draws you to my art and messaging. And you can totally tell me if yellow is your color – I promise I won’t hold it against you.  ;-D Maybe I’ll write a series on the meaning behind colors coming up – what colors do you want to learn more about? P.s.s - More on Spirit Animal connections soon too, and how my Soul Connection with them came to be a big part of my creative life. Is there something on these topics, or a particular animal you’d like to know more about? Let me know so I can address it in the future too. Have a Magical Soul Connecting Day!

What leads to a spirit animal painting - the story of Wolf

A spirit animal connection for me tends to start with emotions or some deep thing I'm dealing with and needing to process thru.

Emotions were strong with me yesterday. 

I made the mistake of looking at the analytics for my website Tuesday night, after Monday's launch of my new collection. My CMO daughter yelled me for that a bit later lol, because at first glance they were.....not good. As far as I could tell there were only 12 sessions.....and 6 of those were me working on my website. 

Seriously? After all the work I'd been putting in for weeks and countless, sleepless nights...only 6 people had looked at my website?! Wtf?

So I had a meltdown that night, and it carried over into the next day.

Because I began to question everything - should I Really be following this ArtnSoul path, especially at this moment in time? Should I just go get a fast food, cashier, or stocking shelves kind of job instead to help make ends meet? 

What the heck am I doing?

The first spirit animal painting I ever did was of a heron back in 2014 - MY spirit animal. Heron had shown to me in a massively profound way in the span of a week, and has been guiding me ever since teaching me calm and patience. Every time I would get frustrated or confused or stressed that my path was keeping me from Art or the desired way I wanted to go, it would show up to say - you're okay, you're heading the right way, just hang on......good things are coming...what you want is being set up for you. 

So I would take deep calming breaths, come back to my center, and keep going. Keep striving to someday have the time and space to fully step into the full time artist path I've been aiming for my entire life.

Fast forward to yesterday - and ALL those old fears and doubts and stresses that have off and on plagued me most of my life were showing up again going - WTF are you doing?? You're being irresponsible. Who the heck are you to think you can take this path - see....no one is even looking at your website! You need to go get a job so you can be a responsible adult - I know you think you can be an artist but seriously......Art is not the way. No one is buying anything.....you're never gonna be a success. You don't have what it takes. 

Ugh I hate those voices.

When I get like this I tend to do several things to find my way out of the downward spiral. Mainly I cry....a lot. I know its better to process your emotions and feel ALL the fucking feelings rather than bottle them up or ignore them. If you don't feel them they just build inside you til they become released in some other way - thru outbursts, or addictions, or negative patterns and habits. Ignoring your hurts only hurts you and maybe those around you too in the long run. 

So I do a lot of feeling my feelings....I cry, I get angry in a pillow, I sometimes swamp - releasing emotions thru movement of your whole body. I also will meditate and journal and try to reconnect to my heart and Soul. Journaling is a big one for me - there is something about writing that just allows things to come up and out you didn't even know were bothering or affecting you. Its like the pen has a mind of its own when you journal. It's been one of my best practices for working thru tough situations in my life and I highly recommend it. 

I also turn to the "woo" - the metaphysical for guidance. This is where spirit animals often come in for me. And messages from the Universe. A lot of times signs and messages show up in the real world - an animal crosses my path, a quote or video shows up when I scroll social media, a see a profound billboard while driving around, hear a lyric in a song....messages are everywhere.

But I also have many oracle card decks I look to for some guiding wisdom too. I always do yearly and monthly card pulls.  I aim to do weekly and daily cards too, but when life is busy and messy I'm not always consistent with those. I know they are there tho when I need them and whatever card I pull when I do, is exactly what I need to hear, even if it makes no sense when I first pull it. Sometimes the message is obvious, other times it takes some analyzing and sitting with to find the meaning in whatever situation I'm dealing with.

Case in point - yesterday I turned to the cards during my meltdown. Am I being irresponsible? Is this my correct path - pursuing full time art? What about my bills? What message do I need to hear right now Universe? What do I need to know?

And the card I pulled - from a deck that mostly features women in the images......was a Wolf. 

Its message for me was - Get enough rest. You will find a way thru tricky situations. Tune into your instincts and trust the timing. Stay focused but flexible. You have the skills to handle this path. Your resourcefulness and capacity to meet your needs is greater than you realize. You WILL find a way thru. Stay the course.

And then as confirmation, throughout the rest of the day, every time I opened social media......there was wolf again......a random post of a wolf sanctuary I've never heard of, another video with wolves howling, an image of a wolf in a background.......

I never looked up the meaning of the wolf after I pulled that card (which I often do when an animal shows, but I didnt yesterday), and I never even said wolf out loud, so it wasn't the algorithms tuning into my voice or searches.......it was the Universe tuning into that connection of my energy and the card,  and bringing me more confirmation that wolf's message in that card was indeed meant for me to listen and hear. 

This is how I KNOW when a spirit animal is speaking to me and its message is one I need to trust in. It shows up multiple times in multiple ways with wisdom I needed to hear. And yes, I have gotten messages I've not wanted to hear, or had been trying to ignore - like face your fears and do the thing you're scared to do...you WILL still be okay. 

So I'm staying the ArtnSoul course, but being flexible in how it unfolds. If not now....when, you know? When I'm much older and slower? So why not now. 

I'm trusting my instincts and all the messages that tell me this is my correct path. It's been what I've wanted my entire life and what EVERY SINGLE SIGN the last few months has been telling me to follow. The Universe has completely cleared my schedule and is giving me this time to really focus on my art and build my desired life....that's how I see it anyway. It's telling me to trust I will be supported and will receive exactly what I need when the time is right.  

Along the way when those fears and doubts show up - because they always do again at some point -  I know they are just testing me to see how bad I want what I want. Do I REALLY want this Art path I say I do? Yes......Then prove it. Fight for it. DO the work. Keep going.

If I go get a regular job somewhere out of fear and discomfort....what is that telling my Art? My Soul? 

Fear is a great protector, but its also a great blocker keeping you in what it sees as the "safe zone". But fear cannot see the potential opportunities and beauty on the other side if you just keep going towards what you want - it only sees what it knows, what is missing, what could go wrong. It has no faith or trust. 

But I do have faith and trust. I KNOW I will be supported for following my Soul's calling because thus far - I always have been. It may not be exactly the way I want, but its exactly the way I need. 

So today - I painted Wolf. Because I can. Because its guiding me in this moment and calling to be created thru me at this time. Its asking me to trust and believe in my own instincts, my own unique path and to honor it. 

To continue to follow my Art.

So I took a background I already had painted from a year ago or so that felt like it fit the idea I had, and added the wolf in a similar style as the lion, tiger and bear paintings in my new collection - with some of the background showing thru the animal. Something is not quite right for me with this painting yet tho - I'm pretty happy with the wolf overall, and I like the background.......but together.....something is off between them. I'm gonna have to sit with it for awhile and wait til it tells me what it needs next. 

This is the process of my ArtnSoul.

Oh, and circling back - when I looked again at the analytics for my website since the launch - that number 12 I saw was just for part of the day on Tuesday. My actual number was 132 sessions on Monday, and thus far thru today there have been 249 looks at my website. Which makes me feel much better. Now to just convert more of those looks into sales......😊🙏

 Yesterday I awoke to an email notifying me I'd sold a painting. 😀

It was one of my older abstract pieces that to me, feels like gold in the the depths of the ocean. There's a quietness to it, yet also a lot going on.💙

It's always exciting to see an order come in, but especially when its a piece of original art I created that someone else connected with. There is nothing better than the acknowledgment that something you spent precious time on and created from your Soul is also valued by someone else.

Today I launched my new Spirit Animal collection of paintings and my updated website. While there are still some technical things I'm working thru, and additional parts to the site I've not yet finished.....I am very excited for this collection to be seen and these paintings to find their place in the world (other than in my spare room.) 

I'm especially excited about the Tigers. And the lion. I have not been THAT giddy and excited to watch a painting materialize as I was with the "Fearless" tiger in a really long time. I was practically bouncing in my seat with every brushstroke that brought him closer to life, and just filled with tears of joy and thankfulness oozing out of me for the ability to manifest it. It's by far my favorite thing I've painted to date on this fine art path, and I've painted a lot of things.

That painting inspired the "Courageous" Lioness and the bigger Tiger piece "Unstoppable", as well as the bear. Cuz you cant have lions and tigers without bears...oh my! 😉😄

And I definitely have plans for an even bigger tiger painting I cant wait to start working on - like I seriously just want to paint a giant wall sized tiger right now haha. And I want to paint other big cats too...cheetah, leopard, lynx......maybe an entire series of big cats. Who knows. Abstracts and trees are calling me right now too........

Which will win a spot on canvas next?! haha...stay tuned!

Everyday the muse brings tons of ideas that float in and out of my mind.  Some swirl around a bit then leave, others stay and swirl for years (like this Spirit Animal Collection has been) . I will never be able to create ALL the ideas I have.....I'd need many many lifetimes for that haha. But I am excited to see what grabs hold and wants to be birthed thru me next.

And that's what this creative journey is all about.....that's what life is all about right? Grabbing onto something exciting and seeing where it will lead next.......a new job, a new relationship, a new city, a new creative project....but it doesn't have to be big and loud and life changing to have an impact.... just sitting and enjoying the sunshine and breeze on your face is being in purpose too. 

Simple pleasures, big exciting ones, and everything in between.... they all stretch your horizons and help you find center. To guide you towards living in YOUR purpose. We are only here for a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things. So its important to try to do as much of what we enjoy as we can. And yes, I know that's challenging in many ways for most of us at some point.....in many points (lets be honest here)....on our path. Universe knows I'm in the midst of some big trials and tribulations right now myself and trying hard to stay standing.

But if we allow those challenges to rule us.....we will miss the beauty and magic all around. 

And there is SOOO much beauty and magic and wonder in this world to see and experience.

I've spent the past week pretty much sequestered in my room at my computer preparing for this launch, so I cant exactly say I've been experiencing much beauty of late. Thankfully I have a desk set up in front of giant double window to look out so I don't feel totally stuck in a cave. But I also know all this work and staying up til 4 am night after night, has been a total labor of love. Because this is my passion. Where my excitement lies. Not so much in the days of computer and office work hahaha- but in that I know they are a part of bringing my creativity to the world. So the technical business stuff has to be done too. 

And all of it is leading to more of that beauty and magic and wonder. 

I mean its here now...I see it and I feel it when I take a moment to......I just want time and space for more of it. As often as possible. 

So I dance with the muse and I create. And I write. And I meditate. And I share. And I explore..... 

Speaking of which....its 64 degrees on this Ohio February day - a rarity for this time of year......So its time to leave my room and go out for a walk, and see what kind of beauty and magic I can experience in my own ordinary neighborhood today. Because things around us may seem ordinary, but if you look closer.....you might just find the magic too. 🌟

Sold painting - Golden Depths

Pipe Dream

 I have wanted to be a full time artist my entire life.

As a kid I spent hours looking at things. EVERY thing. Trying to figure out how to draw and paint that thing....from trees and flowers and people, to weird pipes sticking out of walls.....which I actually did draw in high school. There was this really random, uniquely shaped pipe in my high school art classroom sticking out of the wall by the ceiling. I stared at it all the time. So one day I decided to meticulously draw it for one of our weekly assignments. I mean why not draw a pipe right? haha. 

I spent days staring and drawing and shading that pipe to perfection. I was so proud of that drawing when I'd finished it. 

To protect pencil and charcoal drawings from smudging you typically spray a protective clearcoat on them. So after that last stroke of the pencil and careful brush away of eraser shavings.....I grabbed the clearcoat to protect one of the best drawings (in my adolescent opinion) I'd done to date. I just knew it was an A+ masterpiece ....as far as high school drawing assignments go anyway. ;-)

Only I had unknowingly grabbed brown spray paint.....not a clearcoat.

As those brown dots splattered and landed across my beautiful "pipe dream" of a drawing....my entire 18 year old self crumbled and about died. And I cried in the middle of that classroom. I had just ruined the best thing I'd created - the one thing I took solace in (Art) and that felt like was going right in my life....and I'd just failed it. Those emotions were additionally fueled by the painful homelife of the divorce my parents were going thru, and the boyfriend breakup I had also just been thru.....And yeah....that was not a good moment for me. 

In one push of a spray nozzle my world came crashing down around me in the middle of 5th period Art. 

As a born creative....I hated most of school academia...numbers especially. I typically love puzzles to solve....But I HATED math with a passion. I just did not get it and barely squeaked passing each year. And the rest of school ......rules and reports and tests and hours of studying stuff I didn't understand or want to learn about......just UGH! So I struggled with most academic type classes. 

But the Arts....ALL of the Arts.....from home ec to woodshop, choir to drama......those were my loves. I was drawn to anything that allowed freedom of expression and getting lost in my own world of creativity. In my junior year I'd made the decision to go to college for Art and focus on it career wise, so most of my senior classes were art based and independent study focused as I built my portfolio....and I loved it!

Annnnnd I'd just ruined my best portfolio piece.😭

But my art teacher came over and saw what happened, and hugged me and said...actually, its not ruined - its really not that bad and we can fix the parts that are. I think it looks really cool. It adds some subtle color and makes the pipe look kinda rusty and old.

 Ummm........what? How do you fix spray paint on a pencil drawing?

The spray paint nozzle THANKFULLY had been a bit clogged so it had mostly splattered little dots, more than being a big blob of solid spray. So as I dried my tears she showed me how to use the tip of an exacto knife to one by one carefully pick off some of the bigger dots from the board I'd drawn on...... but the rest she said to leave cuz they were barely visible at a distance and just added interest to the now mixed media drawing. 

Huh.

And I still got A+ on it. :-D

That day I learned that even when you do your best.....unintentional mistakes happen - but they can still be turned into something beautiful. You just need to dry your tears and see it from a new perspective. 

I also felt seen heard and lovingly supported by an adult.....something I wasn't getting much of in my life at that time. Rather than berating me and marking down my mistake, she helped me process and find a way thru it. God bless teachers. 💖

And THAT was Not where this blog was going when I typed the first line haha....I'd kinda forgotten about that story until I typed 'I stare at things like pipes' and it came up and this blog took a sharp turn. But I do actually stare at pipes, and interesting things and ordinary things, and piles of random stuff, and the way sunlight filters thru trees or between buildings and how shadows warp around objects...... It's who I am. My "artists eye" is always looking and trying to figure out how I would paint or draw that.....whatever.......What's interesting about that seemingly ordinary thing and would it make a good piece of Art?  Its a constant thought process for me. I'm always looking and staring and evaluating colors, and imagining how I'd interpret THAT on canvas or paper.

And when the spark is strong enough....I sit down at the easel or pull out my sketchbook. I've been doing a lot of that lately....painting and drawing whatever has been speaking to me. And now more than ever, I'm still striving to make a more focused living with it.

This past year has been particularly rough again for me tho. I won't go into all the details of it, but at one point last summer I found myself becoming homeless, jobless, friendless, moneyless and car-less all at the same time. When one domino fell.....the rest followed in a massive chain reaction until I was left on my knees needing to make some tough life altering decisions. Really I had very little choice.  Life was forcing me to clear out shit I'd long needed to let go of.... and pivot to make room for a new path.

So I left the beautiful state of North Carolina where I'd lived for 6+ years and moved back to Ohio and in with my sister and her family. I did miss being close to family, and I'm beyond thankful to have their loving support as I work on picking myself back up. (tho I gotta say I did NOT miss gray cold and snowy winters......man do I miss winter in the south now.)

Its been hard tho. All of it, but especially the loss of independence. There is some relief mixed in there too - so I know I'm on a better path for me now, but the underlying stress is still ongoing. Stress I've mostly been keeping to myself only sharing with those closest to me - it's felt safer that way.....or rather less open to judgement, pity and condemnation from others. But I also know help, and resources, and better things won't arrive if you don't ask for what you need, and speak up and share your story. Common stories and understanding are what bind us and show us we are not alone or the only one struggling with something.

As an oldest people pleasing child tho, asking for help is a special kind of torture to me - I just don't. like. doing. it. Its extremely hard for me to ask for help.  I "should" be able to do everything myself and figure shit out on my own........ But sometimes things are just too big to handle on your own. So I've really had to work thru a lot of those old traumas and belief systems lately and ask for the help I needed. Wishing and dreaming is great, but they are not enough to get you where you want to go. You've also got to align yourself to them with your actions. We are designed to live in community and need each other to best survive. We make each other stronger. And we learn and grow by sharing.

So this is me sharing where I'm at....open, raw, vulnerable...... and hopeful.......

As a 54 year old grown ass woman.....I feel deeply embarrassed to be where I am currently in my life - financially broke, in debt, most of my belongings in storage once again that I'm not sure I can even afford to keep paying for, and unable to support and live by myself right now. In truth I can't even pay my bills next week and I currently see no immediate incoming work or money to fix that. I'm doing my best to align to what I want and need, and I'm hopeful I KNOW a mural painting job will show up, or a piece of art or 10 will sell soon.  But at this moment its unclear when that will happen and that's scary as hell. I'm in a new city and no one knows me or my work enough to hire me here yet, nor do they know anything about my art yet.... and that takes time to build both online and locally. I haven't worked a "regular" job in over 25 years and I'm not really qualified for anything other than something with painting or some low level low wage position...so that doesn't feel like a solid option. Working for myself is what I know...it's what I need to do especially with my health history - being able to make my own schedule is vital for my wellbeing. But starting over is hard....so anxiety is doing a number on me. As are those moments of vulnerability and self condemnation that grab hold and say WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU - why are you here in this situation, and how the fuck are you gonna get out of it?! 

I've been ashamed, guilt ridden, and in depressed, anxious, survival mode what feels like most of my life, and I'm just so tired of the struggles and people pleasing. I'm tired of HAVING to do things I don't want to do and settle for less. I'm tired of overwhelm and not sleeping at night. I'm tired of hearing voices inside and out telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not worth that, I'm wrong for doing things the way I do them. I'm mad at our government and tax and healthcare systems - I haven't been to a doctor or dentist in years - I have insurance - with my health history I cant afford Not to have it in an emergency.....but the premiums and deductibles are so high I also cant afford to even go for well visits and add those hundreds and thousands of dollars of bills to my already strained finances too. Rent and food and everyday item prices are getting ridiculously high......yet wages are still low. People want and expect high quality work and products....but they don't want to pay high quality wages for it.....

WTF is going on in our world? Where is the work life balance and compassion for our fellow humans? The rich are getting richer and more controlling and the poor are getting poorer and more stuck. And I'm not even gonna touch the fear I feel about the next 4 years....things are getting scary and it's only been 2 weeks...... 

I want to help make the world a better place...I really do......but I can barely do that for myself right now. So I think I need to dial back in and start with ME first. Just REALLY focus on me and my desired path and purpose. I've been on this healing journey for years - done SO much work on myself and I've come a long way already, but there's still work to be done and improvements to be be made. I think the whole also becomes stronger when the individuals become stronger in themselves. 

So healing starts with us.

I feel like I'm a good and worthy and deserving person. I have worked hard my whole life at trying to do everything 'right', to keep my bills paid on time, to follow the rules, to help others and be supportive and do the best at what I can.....yet I still can't seem to come out on top. Or rather I can't seem to stay on top.

Yet. 

I'm not giving up tho.

Depression wants me to give up. To just let everything I've tried so hard to keep above water thru pain staking struggle and exhausting effort..... sink and dissolve away. 

Ego me is terrified of losing control.

Scared, conformist, play it safe me wants someone else to please just tell me what to do to fix things.

Heart and Soul me.......Just wants to create and be carefree. 

And therein lies my calling. My part of contributing to the whole in this lifetime is to bring more beauty to it thru my art and work. To make things look better. To add MORE color to the world - goodness knows we need color and creative freedom now more than ever when so much of it is being canceled and taken away. 

 I'm here to be unapologetically ME and share my experiences and interpretations of the world as I see it....the natural, the unique and the magical parts we forgot about. Magic is all around us, but we are so caught up in the hardships and everyday tasks of trying to get ahead and be better.....we are missing it. 

So my job as a creative is to be in my truth and birth more color and magic and reminders that beauty and wonder is all around us, for as much of the world as I can reach......

To build this full time artist life I've dreamed of my entire life...... since 18 year old me learned that mistakes can still be beautiful, and may in fact enhance the situation, rather than ruin it.

My physical body has also been telling me to lean towards this since my first heart attack 16 years ago, my 4th heart attack 8 years ago, lung cancer 4 years ago and a second ruptured disk in my lower back last year......each event slowing me down more and more...making the physical labor of doing the type of work I used to do....more and more challenging to go out and do. 

'Oh...you don't want to listen to heart and Soul and think this other way is better just cuz its comfortable and familiar to you.....well here's another health punch to slow you down.....here's exhaustion and stress and anxiety and flat tires and a broken car and another unexpected expensive emergency, and STILL not enough money despite all your hustling..... You listening yet?'

EVERYTHING - every sign and message and bit of guidance that comes to me in a myriad of ways lately and loudly....is telling me to slow down, step away from the old ways, stay home...and just create. Go be in nature, meditate, listen to your soul, build community, connect to the Universe, go with the flow, follow my passion and joy......just BE.....Me. That I WILL be supported when I choose my Soul path.

That THAT is what I'm meant to be doing.

So I started Art and Soul a few years ago in pursuit of that dream - my online store where I sell my Fine Art and products made from my Art in the name of following my passion. I have some pretty cool things to offer if I do say so myself - paintings and creations I've been super excited and proud of that spoke strongly enough to flow thru me and out onto canvas.  

But my sales have been few and my reach has been low cuz my focus has been unfocused and disproportionally divided - far too focused on the other type of work I've done in the name of paying bills, of which has monopolized most of my time and energy....leaving little left in me to do much of anything for my art. 

So it just sits here in a spare bedroom. Then I get desperate (cuz hello....bills, flat tires....) and I try to run a sale discounting prices hoping to sell anything.....which then cheapens and devalues the work.....and it still sits here unsold - cuz I'm treating it so badly.  I have zero idea how to market or audience build, nor have I had time to learn it, or had money to pay someone to help. 

I also have deep fears and childhood trauma about being seen and heard and judged....so no one knows me and barely sees me or my work. And the lack of sales then hits my self worth.....and so I disappear again hiding in debt, shame and self judgement.....

Sigh. 

I've been doing everything wrong.....and I know it.....I've been following desperation and struggle and money.... and not my heArt and Soul. 

My art DOES have value and is good....I know that. It just hasn't found its audience yet - that takes time and consistency to build and I know that too. I just keep giving up too fast and allowing outside forces to influence me and pull me away. There are billions of people in the world and I currently only have a few hundred followers, so I know I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of potential fans yet. I just haven't been able to focus to magnetize them yet. 

So I just need to keep going.

And this massive transition I'm in right now....in a new city and state where no one knows me or my work and thus jobs have not been showing up yet (and maybe they're not cuz that's the wrong direction now for me).....these months of time at home have been allowing me to rebuild and finally focus on my Art - the full time path I've been wanting and wishing and hoping I could follow someday.....

Well....someday is now.  

In a few days I am relaunching Art and Soul with a newly designed and updated website, more cohesive branding and a new series of paintings - mostly new ones I've done the last few months plus a few older pieces I'm reintroducing that fit the theme.  

And my pricing has all gone up to where it should be for fine art - no more listening to people's opinions who know nothing about art and are keeping me small. My talent and art is high quality and high value and has 54 years of experience behind it.....and its past time I stop treating it as less than.  If anything I'm still on the low side of pricing, but that's mainly because I'm still widely unknown. As my audience grows and my art sells tho, my prices will continue to increase...which means the value of my art will continue to increase over time too. (so get it now! wink wink) 

And my marketing guru daughter Kendra has blessedly stepped in to help me rebuild everything and take control of growing my audience and reach. She has designed an entire weekly by many months out marketing plan lol, so expect to see more posts, emails and blogs from me from now on too. Full time artist means regular and consistent visibility. (And if you like what you see in that aspect I can connect you to her as she is building a marketing business for herself too and looking for more clients.:-) )

I listened to a podcast with Kyle Cease the other day where he said something along the lines of....doing work just so you can get money to pay bills is basically like telling your Soul it doesn't matter. Ooof...that hit. I've been stuck in that for years. Doing misaligned work for money keeps one in struggle and survival mode, and from reaching their highest potential - draining you and keeping you from your hopes and dreams. But when you align to your Soul, to your dreams and follow what you love......you will attract more wealth and happiness from unexpected places and in ways you cant even begin to imagine. And I know that's correct....I've seen the proof in others, and in all the micro alignment adjustments I've made for myself in the last 10 years or so.

Every time I realign my world rights its self just a bit more. 

But I have yet to take the BIG leap. To go ALL in. I've been too afraid about those dang bills and what if I cant pay them. Well, here I am.....I cant pay them right now. So I either go back to what I've done before and do something just for money to pay them...OR I leap and trust that the net will show and there is MORE money and goodness on my Soul aligned path like I keep being told and guided towards then I will find anywhere else.

So......I'm leaping.

 I'm stepping all in to being a full time artist and following my Soul. Its both exciting....and terrifying....

But I KNOW I have the talent to make this a success, I just need to believe it and in Me. 

I'm trusting the Universe and the constant signs telling me...Go THIS way. Stop delaying and waiting for a better time. The time Is NOW. You WILL be supported. Trust and Believe. This is NOT a "pipe dream"....its YOUR dream - the one you've wanted and asked for your whole life....This is YOUR Unique purpose and path.......and all those "mistakes" and mis-steps and challenges were just necessary steps leading you here - ready to finally embrace your aligned path. 

So stay tuned to see how this all goes.

And in case you were wondering....I went to storage and dug thru my high school art box to find the pipe drawing 18 year old me did - see below. I still think its an A+ drawing.😁 Its hard to tell cuz I did a pretty good job with the exacto knife...but the brown specks of paint are still there if you look close. I also forgot I had entered this piece into a scholastic arts award show at the encouragement of my teacher - the entry form is still taped to the back of it. I didn't win anything that I remember...but it was still good enough for an art show...mistakes and all. More proof of rising from the proverbial ashes so to speak. What seems like a mistake to one person, can be beautiful to another....its all about perspective. 

I Believe in Magic

 

Goodness its been a long time since I’ve written here in this blog. A lot of changes have happened in the last year or so – unexpectedly having to move last summer, not finding a new place in time and having to put EVERYTHING (including all my art and supplies) in storage, and spending 6 months sleeping on an air mattress living at a friends house with her and her family. 

Which meant I had little space to create or continue to run my ArtnSoul business from during that time.

Which is hard on someone who identifies as an artist here to create.

But I’m finally back in my own space and beginning to dive into Art and Soul once again.

Hooray!

I love a fresh start and blank canvas! 

But those often come with a lot of old and leftover baggage. I want everything to be different and better and to be a financially successful full time artist (Now!) I have evolved a lot in the last year and feel closer than ever to making my dream life a reality. But many things are still the same, I'm just experiencing them in a new location.

Especially regarding who I am as an artist.

On the path to finding my artistic voice and style, I have gone thru many evolutions - the academic learning phases of my youth.  The craft show phase of my early twenties - sewing and creating all types of crafts in all types of mediums and forms mixed with random paintings. The commission phase - drawing and painting house, pet and people portraits. The Mural and faux finishing phase - painting in homes and businesses across the country. And the lifetime phase of creating whatever Sparks my Soul -  landscapes, seascapes, realism, caricatures, abstracts, collages, mixed media, murals, woodworking, pottery, furniture and cabinet refinishing, faux finishing, concrete painting.....you name it, I've probably at least tried it in some way.

But I have yet to land on that "thing" that feels like a YES! This is it! This is ME! This is what I want to create and dedicate all the rest of my time and skill to and be known for!

It's something I've struggled with the last few years a lot, especially as a now single person needing to support herself.

Most artists seem to have that signature style, or color palette, or subject matter you can look at and say - oh I recognize that - that's so and so's art. They're known for this (thing). They have this unique way of doing that thing they do.

I have a few favorite colors and things I like to do - but mostly I still feel like I'm all over the place.

Still playing and trying things out, experimenting with colors and subjects and surfaces. I enjoy creating drippy, splattery, blendy abstracts. I love rich blues, pinks and teals. I love building and putting things together. I'm pretty good at detail work - to me it's the details that make a painting (or thing) magical. I pride myself, especially in the murals I do, by adding those finishing little touches that make it pop.

I love creating that magic.

And yet, I also don't know what that magical 'thing' is for me in my fine art. Is it abstracts? Colorful landscapes? Spirit animals? A blend of things? What things? Is it building something - what? Is it creating a book, a card deck, different products with my art on them? Which direction do I go in? One way, or all of the above? How do I make what I create uniquely ME? And what "thing" will best help me support myself that I also really enjoy doing day after day after year?

What IS that magical thing that says - oh, I recognize that - that's Andrea's Art!

This has been my biggest and most pressing conundrum. One that continues to weigh on me.

My good friend recently told me that I am the magic in my art.

I am the only one of me and the only one who can do what I do the way I do. That alone makes what I do unique and magical.

I am the Magic.

Hmmm. Am I?

And according to my Manifesting Generator Human Design type - it is correct for me to have many projects and directions going at the same time - not just be focused on one thing, one style, one subject.

Well that's cool. But also - not exactly helpful. 

Is it?

Hmmmm again.

Being all over the place doesn't seem to gel with what's "typical and expected" in the art and business world though - Find one thing and do it well. 

But then again we artists are known for following our own beat and NOT doing what's expected or conforming. 

That's where the unique magic is in each and every one of us, artist or not, right?! Marching to the beat of our own drum. Following our own Soul's calling and guidance. ;-)

So maybe my "thing" is just continuing to experiment with all types of art and colors and subjects - whatever Sparks my Soul in a given moment to create. And maybe at some point a recognizable pattern or that “thing” will begin to emerge.

Or not. Maybe I'm meant to be all over the place.

Maybe trying to force myself into one thing, one subject, one style (that everyone will like,) is what is blocking me from actually finding my style, subject and thing.

Definitely food for thought right now.

I know my art and colors are not everyone's taste, nor will I most likely be widely known around the world. (Though one can still dream! 😉🙏) But there are 8 billion people on this planet, so I do believe my art, in whatever form it shows up as, will find its perfect audience and eventually Spark enough Souls out there that I can fulfill my dream of being a full time artist.

All it takes is some Magic, and I definitely believe in Magic. 💖