Decision made

 

My beautiful, wise, long time Soul Sister friend gave me some tough love yesterday that in a roundabout way – opened my eyes. I often seek her tough love because I know it comes from a good place. She just has a magical way of saying the hard things I need to hear in loving and supportive ways. Things I usually already know but don’t always listen to, haha.

I think sometimes we just need to hear a thing we already know from someone else – to see it from a different perspective. You know?

Her call came late at night after watching the incredibly vulnerable video I posted online as a way of introducing myself on my Art and Soul page. A video I was terrified to do and release, but has been long overdue so I did anyway because I know its important for people to see and hear the person behind the art. (Tho I didn’t mean for it to be what it ended up being, but evidently the Universe did lol.)

People connect to art in a variety of ways – to its meaning, to its colors or design, to a memory or a reminder that’s personal to them, or maybe there’s something motivational or inspirational about it. But often their pull to a piece of art is also enhanced or influenced by their connection to the artist themself.

And right now, nobody really knows me…..so no one is really connecting to my art. (Yet.) I have a very small following of mostly friends and acquaintances (currently). I haven’t done any art shows (yet) or been featured in any galleries (yet). And while I’ve posted a few pictures of myself painting…mostly I do not show myself, nor do I talk on camera or even off camera by way of voiceover…..I just share the art itself and hope it magically connects with someone. 

Oh - and I write here sometimes because I do find it easier to write. Tho I rarely share this blog, and I tend to write a LOT and I know peoples attention spans are short nowadays, so I don't know that anyone is even seeing me here either.

I’ve known I needed to step into visibility for years, but I’ve held myself back, waiting til I looked or felt better, or was more confident, or had better art, or (insert the dozens of other excuses I’ve come up with over the years here). I have this idea that hey – if Banksy can make millions of dollars and no one knows who he is…. why cant I be a success without being seen or heard too?

I mean it IS possible right? If he can do it…..

But I’m not Banksy, and my Art isn’t meant to be a big political or social statement piece (at this time anyway). So that thinking has been getting me nowhere good, or fast…just holding me back.

But yesterday I suddenly faced my fear of being seen and heard. I’ve had this perfectly produced introduction video idea in my head for weeks now and have been slowly gathering and creating pieces and parts of it, but not really getting very far on it. Because frankly – I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to that. My tech skills are very small and basic. I mean I don’t even know how to use photoshop which feels embarrassing as an artist.

But there I was in my art storage space looking for the next painting to share a post of when I decided to turn on the camera and just talk. And I cried. And I shared some of myself and my fears and my dreams. I had unbrushed messy hair, no makeup, dark circles under my eyes, bad lighting and sound….  I shared I was confused and lost and scared of doing this, that I was trying to make it as an artist but it wasn’t working so far and that I was totally broke and exhausted. But I was still determined, because this is my purpose. So I was stepping up for myself and my art and saying Hi…this is me….mess and all, and if you’d like to see my art or follow this messy journey I’m on – here’s where to find it.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve done, especially as an introvert, and absolutely nothing like I planned and wanted it to be for a first on camera intro video.  (Seriously Andrea? You couldn’t even brush your hair? Good grief.)

I do NOT like being seen or talking on camera OR being vulnerable in front of others, especially when I don’t look or feel my best. Heck I struggle to even talk to people in person without being emotional or near on panicking at times – so I often don’t. I tend to be the quiet one keeping to herself in the corner – watching, and not participating. I’ve been working on that tho, and I obviously hit the - 'I don't care' stage yesterday when I turned the camera on lol. This video felt like a huge leap for me – one I’m very proud to have made despite how I looked or sounded. It cracked open my protective shell and began to let the light in.

But I’m still very much broke. And My art is still not selling right now.

And so my dear friend lovingly told me…… it was time to get a job.

Sigh.

Getting a job has been on my mind for a long time. Obviously.  

After working for myself the last 25+ years tho….the thought of that just makes everything in me anxious and inwardly cringe and want to cry. It hurts my Soul.

But bills DO need to be paid. And I do have debts including back taxes.

So I Do need money. Now.

So after we hung up - I job searched before bed.

It was just frustrating and defeating feeling because I have no qualifications for anything substantial enough to support me.  Nor do I feel like I have the physical ability for anything labor intensive anymore like I’ve always done - even part time. Which doesn’t leave a lot of options. I did find a couple of jobs I felt I could probably do at some big box stores and one small chain shop. But the wages are low. And the amount of work I’d do compared to the returns and earnings Id receive was depressing and felt like a waste of my valuable time. Still I crunched the numbers and I imagined myself doing the jobs and how I would feel during and after work, and the socialization I might gain, and would this actually truly help me even a little bit……and the conclusion I came to was….

I choose Art.

The negative costs and expenses are just too high to choose otherwise – mentally, physically and financially. I just couldn’t see that til I fully examined it today at my friends prompting. And by keeping getting a job on the back burner all this time too, I realized that has also kept my energy divided and me unfocused and confused.

My entire life I have been setting art aside. The first major time was when I wasn’t able to go back to Art School after my freshman year due to lack of money.  A year later I had fought my way back there, but then got pregnant and married and had to drop out at the end of the year. I chose being a mom and wife over continuing my art education (and I wouldn’t change being a mom or wife either, just saying – I had to set art aside again). As the kids grew, I chose part time jobs in my spare time instead of art. Those jobs turned to choosing murals once that path showed up – and even tho those ARE art – they were art for others…not necessarily the art I wanted to create from inside me.  Still I was at least creating something and skill building and that was good.

In recent times when I finally started to set up art studios in spare rooms to paint in – murals, and painting cabinets and furniture monopolized SO much of my time that I again had nothing left for Art. For my Soul. I was closer to my art path than ever before, yet I was working my butt off on an adjacent path in the name of paying bills but still not making ends meet enough. I felt stuck. I HAD to pay bills and this work was all I knew, so I kept on clinging to it. I tried to find some balance for art too, but was never fully able to cuz I was so damn tired and stressed and burned out all the time. And my body and Soul were screaming at me too, and that was coming out as heart attacks and extremely low energy, and ruptured disks in my back, and broken toes, and lung cancer, and not sleeping, and roller coaster depression, headaches, anxiety and panic attacks.

And then my world exploded last year. I had to move cities and states, put everything in storage and move in with my sister because I could no longer afford my own place…..and start again. But work starting drying up – it stopped showing up despite my efforts to advertise and seek it out. And every job that did happen show up here and there, my body and Soul have been like – WTF are you doing?! Stop this.

So I started focusing on Art more and more…cuz I finally had the time for it. For the first time I began to choose Art just this year. A few months ago I told myself I was going all in to build my dream. Yet as my money continued to barely trickle in and dry up, my survival mode instincts have kicked in wildly, panic attacks have increased, and my energy has been torn and lost and confused and desperate and bouncing all over the place….. What do I do? Which way do I really go? I am NOT this person who doesn’t pay bills! SOMETHING MUST change….NOW!! But what? How? Where?

I don’t know what to do!! How do I do any of this?! I need Money!! Where do I get it?

DO I get a job? I don’t want one – I want peace, and ease and joy! I want to enjoy what I do. I deserve that! Don’t I? I want to work for myself not someone else. Do I even know how to do that – look where I am now. Ugh. I just want to create things – there is SO much inside me that needs to come out! What do I create next tho? Will it be enough? What if its not? What if I’m not enough? What if no one likes my art? Is it even any good if no one is buying it? I have SO much Art - if it would just sell I'd be great - why is no one buying? Does it suck? Do I suck? Is it just marketing? How do I market? How do I sell stuff without selling? Without being seen? I don’t wanna be seen. I hate sales. I need help. I cant afford help. Omg I don’t know what the fuck to do…..do I just go get a freaking job?

When I really get quiet and listen tho - Everything in me says NO.

Absolutely Not.

Every time I even consider it.

I’m not qualified for anything except painting. I never finished college. I’m not certified in anything and even tho I’ve run my own business for 25 years- its not exactly been a success story I can reference.  But getting a job job working for someone else - my heart and mind know the money will never be enough no matter the job, and it will drain my energy no matter if its full or part time, and I'll have nothing left for my Art.  I KNOW that to the depths of my Soul. Especially when I can paint a mural in a day or two, or sell a piece of art, that could pay me more in a day than a week or even a month working at a regular job.

Art IS the way. For me.

It just is. Its my Souls purpose.

I just have to build it and find my way with it and what that looks like moving forward now. Fully focus and commit to it and stop bouncing all over the place questioning everything. The signs have been consistent for months, for years, my entire life. My card for this week is even titled – Stay the Course. Have the courage and strength to move thru obstacles towards your dream.

Choose ART.

Now.

Fully.

It time to stop dividing my energy between things and ideas and stresses and possible alternate considerations that aren’t serving me and just keep confusing me. Its time to step up for myself and Choose Art.

Because if I don’t – If I turn back around towards a job now….. if I chase money over my dream and Soul’s purpose again…… if I climb back up that scary crevasse I just bravely leapt off of yesterday in video…..I am telling my art, my Soul and my courage…. No! That they are not worthy of my time and undivided attention.

And if I do that yet again…. I wont ever find my way with it.

Its now or never.

This is it – this is the pivotal moment…..

Job or Art.

Cuz I cant do both. Not with any success. I know myself and I don’t have the energy to split between two job pursuits. I just don’t. Its getting less and less with each passing day.

So I’m choosing Art.

I’m choosing to stop being so scattered and confused, and pulled in different directions…… and to fully dial in.

I am recalibrating and aligning to the best of my ability to my authenticity, my Art, and my SOUL.

My Soul always knows the way. I say it all the time…yet I keep Not fully trusting in it. I think I am…but I’m really not.

I’m done with the doubt tho. DONE. Right here, right now I am choosing to follow my Art, no matter how broke I get before it gets better. I am trusting it WILL get better now that I'm realigning,  because I KNOW it is the way. There is more wealth on this path than I can see and imagine from where I stand now. I wouldn’t have been given this talent or dream otherwise.

I just need to be brave enough to step into it fully. 

So I love you my dear friend, I greatly appreciate your wisdom and support and tough love. It helped me figure out what I’ve known I needed to do my entire life……

 

I.                    Choose.        Art.

 

OH, and as if I needed more confirmation of my decision making – I pulled an oracle card after I made this decision today….and the card I pulled was “Indecision” of all things - but reversed (upside down). I kid you not.  And its message was – You just made an important decision. Release the confused energy you’ve been feeling and bring new structure and clarity to your plans and life. Your Soul IS guiding you and has been all along! Open to potential, create clear and powerful intentions regarding your choice and move forward with purpose and personal power knowing you are supported.

 

I mean seriously - You can’t make this shit up!

The signs are everywhere and I'm choosing to follow where they lead.