AED Day 6 - Light to my Shadow

 

Light to my Shadow

 

When my shadows run deep

Your light burns bright

 

When I am lost

You show me the way

 

When I am low

You help me Rise

 

Your light envelops me

When I need it most.

 

Like a heavy blanket of protection

The shadows illusions feel safe

But they hold me down and keep me small

Afraid to truly LIVE

Afraid to truly BE.

 

Your light though, helps me to see

Find balance

Shows me color again when I had forgotten all their beauty and wonder

TRULY makes me feel safe and warm

ALIVE.

To have light there must be shadow

But in the shadows there is also light

 

You are the Light to my Shadow

Allowing me to BE.

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I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and my current lack of one, and how physically alone I feel much of the time. I love my alone time, don’t get me wrong – I need it, its where I do my best thinking and work. But I do wish I had someone around on a regular basis again to share my day, a meal, and to laugh with. Someone to comfort me and help pull me up when times are tough instead of always having to do it myself.

Its hard to comfort yourself when you are alone in the dark.

But that is what makes me stronger, right – finding the light within and around me, and rising once again out of the darkness and ash on my own. Multiple heart attacks and brushes with death, lung cancer, ongoing complications, covid, divorce, empty nest, starting over in a new place, financial strain, childhood – I’ve survived it all and more - mostly on my own - and I keep surviving.

There is a reason for that.

I believe my Soul’s current journey is truly one about resilience, survival and rising up. Finding my own unique path and following it, standing up and brushing the unwanted debris off, and living my life MY way. Creating my Eden. I keep being guided and given more chances to do just that, so I know I am meant to accomplish more in this lifetime than I currently have. So every day I work on uncovering what my next steps are in my evolution. Overall right now things are feeling pretty good. I’m listening to my Soul and the messages I receive,  figuring things out and keeping my head above water. Mostly.  Its been a bumpy road but I’ve come a long way. Yay me!

But its really. Fucking. Hard. and exhausting some days. 

And lonely. 

So I am also looking forward to the day when I don’t always have to do it ALL on my own. When the light is not always just my own I have to battle demons to even see. When there is physically someone else nearby to say – I SEE YOU - here, borrow some of my light for awhile so its not so scary in the dark by yourself.  Let me sit by you and hold your hand and talk things thru with you while we find your way out of the dark together.

We all want someone, whether we want to admit it or not. I am certainly strong and capable enough to survive on my own and don't "need" anyone - I've been proving that to myself for a long time. But sometimes I just really want to lean on someone else and feel supported and loved and like I don't HAVE to do it all on my own. You know?

Winning shadow battles is an amazing feeling, especially those fought in solitude. We can do hard things right?! They give us strength courage and self worth we weren’t sure we even possessed. When no one else is around, the Universe is always there to shine its light on us as well, bringing lots of guidance and reassurance as we stumble our way along.

But its so much sweeter when you have someone in person to share it all with. Someone to help you celebrate your hard fought battles with and encourage you to keep going. Someone who understands, or at least wants to understand without judgement.  Someone to hold onto in the dark of the night, and be held by - in sorrow, and joy and unconditional love. Someone who just gives a damn. 

Because its all the more lonely when you don’t have any of that. 

And the shadows love vulnerability.

I lived in the shadows for a long fucking time. Trauma, people pleasing and a (false) sense of safety kept me there from an early age. Nothing can hurt, judge or shame you if it cant see or hear you right? And while I don’t Live there anymore, I do still find myself visiting from time to time, especially when I’m lonely, anxious and scared. Thankfully my stays are short now and I have the tools to recognize what brought me there and how to get out again quickly. But its taken a lifetime (maybe more) of intentional light and shadow work.

And I am so ready for more of the light.

I think we need the shadows to appreciate the light. The shadows have a purpose too and I personally am grateful for them – I wouldn’t be where I am today without experiencing all I have – good and bad. There is so much color to see and hear and smell and taste and touch when you step out of the shadows. I’ve experienced it and I am excited to find my person someday to stand beside me, supporting me, and holding my hand as we navigate the light, dark and color filled paths life gives us together.

 

 I’m finding with my Art, I often try to portray the vibrancy, magic and wonder of life and imagination I see and desire there to be, in both shadow and light -  that which speaks to my Soul. So I think that is where this painting and poem are coming from  - Light to my Shadow – a part of me that is deep and dark and lonely and so damn tired of always rescuing herself, but also proud of doing so and coming thru it all in blazing color. Finding my balance, within, without and with others. A part that knows the light is all around and getting brighter, stronger and physically closer every day the more I reach for it and trust in it. A light I feel glowing inside and want to share with someone. A light they have I feel is out there waiting for when the time is right to share with me. 

A light we all just need to look around and be open and ready to see.

The best light is our own of course, but its also magical and warm when coming from someone else who genuinely desires to help us become our best selves. Our internal paths may be solitary and spiritual ones, but we all need external company along the way to share and experience the highs and lows of this life with. That’s what life is all about isn’t it? Experiences, growth and connection to ourselves and each other.

 There is always light to our shadows.

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Owls have been a powerful spirit animal guide for me for a number of years now. They are a symbol of wisdom and the winds of change.  I always know I am on the right path when they are around, or that I need to pay attention because change is coming. I have sketched and  painted them many times in both meaningful and whimsical ways and they are always a favorite subject of mine.

White is the color of purity, and white owls are a symbol of big changes in your evolution and reaching for your higher self. Black owls are representative of shadow work you are processing. (I did not know this when the title – Light to my Shadow – popped in my head as I sketched, and the poem by the same title began to emerge as I painted. I’m always amazed at how the Universe works sometimes.) And while my painted owls are not purely white or black, the intention and meaning is there, and the colorful feathers represent what can be seen in the light and the dark if you truly look. Together they balance each other out. Black and white, yin and yang, light and dark. I actually found their images for this painting before I understood the deeper meaning behind the black and white owls together and how it related to me personally - I just knew I felt pulled to paint them.

The deeper WHY tends to unfold during my journey and its always more profound than I first thought.

THIS is what the ‘Soul’ in Andrea’s Art and Soul is all about.

Uncovering the meanings underneath why I am guided and drawn to create what I do, and the transformation inside me that happens as a result. Seems my longing to not be so physically alone all the time is finding its way into my work right now – both creatively and spiritually.

Oh, and there is literally an Owl hooting in a tree outside my house right now as I type this up tonight. Universal magic and guidance once again. 💖

I’m excited to see what is coming next.

I’m sure its not what I think, hope or wish it will be. 😉

 

Light to My Shadow. 24x30 acrylic on canvas