I haven't blogged in years. I actually forgot I have 3 different blogs until today. 4 now that I decided to start this one. New stage of life - new blog. 😀 I've resorted to journaling and writing just for me the past few years since I stopped blogging. Actually I haven't even done that for quite awhile, I've mostly been processing internally. I had a personal journal I would brain dump into on my laptop pretty regularly - that is until my laptop died last May and I lost it all. That was a sad day. But also felt like a sign that I was holding onto too many wounds I would relive over and over again by rereading old journal entries. So the Universe said here, we'll help you let go and move on - and It killed my laptop and I lost everything on it. Ugh. The pictures and most all of my art/mural research I was devastated to lose, but the journal, strangely, felt okay to let go of. A relief in a way. I got a new laptop, but I only started journaling again in it last week. It just wasn't calling me until now. And I only started writing in my painting records notebook I keep to record the journey of each piece of art I create last week too - journaling about my recent struggles with my dormant creativity. I'd forgotten I used to keep those records on here tho too - on my other blogs, and how much writing and getting the stuck energy out helps me process and center again. I'd also forgotten how good (if I do say so myself lol) some of my writing is, looking back at some of my old blog posts today - my words even made me cry a few times, and it sparked this renewed desire/need to document my art and soul journey again. So here we are. We'll see how long I keep it going this time. :-D
What led me here to my old blogs today, was that I sold a painting yesterday. For the first time (that hadn't been commissioned). A deeply personal one to me. The first detailed fine art painting I'd done on canvas since my school days. The first meaningful painting of this current phase of my life. The first animal that ever spoke to me in a spiritual guidance way and that has been with me the last 7 years I've been on this awakening journey. The Great Blue Heron painting I called Patience. And I knew I had documented our story somewhere. I searched my Facebook page, found the painting, but the story wasn't there. I figured I had probably lost it on my old laptop. But as I was scrolling thru some of the other paintings I'd posted on Facebook, I found the link to my blog I'd forgotten about. Searched thru it and sure enough - there was the whole story. Then I read other stories and poems I'd shared. And my Soul began saying - you need to do this again. You need to share your journey, your art and the stories behind them again.
So welcome to my art and soul journey! ( Just a warning - I tend to write a lot.😁 )
The last couple years since I moved to Charlotte I have been busy traveling out of town, for a few personal reasons but mainly for mural jobs - gone for months on end each time. I have been out of town almost longer than I've been home. I have literally been across the country and back again - from Cape Cod to Montana, to Seattle and down the coast to California, then back across to home in North Carolina, up to Ohio and Michigan and down to Florida, and back to Boston and Cape Cod again. Driving the entire time, because I have to take all my paints and supplies with me. Its been fruitful, but exhausting. When I am home, I just want to be HOME. I really have not gotten out and explored this new territory I now live in at all, nor have I really established my mural business here, because it seemed that every few months I was leaving again (and something always made me hesitate too.) My good friend here has a painting business as well and I began teaming up with her and started painting cabinets to help make ends meet between travel times. Its good work and fairly easy for me and I don't mind it. Murals are also fun and fairly easy for me. I grow and learn with every job I do because there are always challenges of some sort to work thru. But, it is a lot of long days and physical labor - climbing ladders and scaffolds, balancing, reaching, bending, carrying, standing for hours, days, weeks and months on end, and tons of mental concentration especially with murals. Unfortunately I'm not getting any younger either, (dang it.) And more and more my body is giving me big neon signs that I need to make some changes. Stop this line of work, or at least cut way back, and go in a new direction.
This Friday March 19th, will be 12 years since I had my first SCAD heart attack. I had 3 more over the following years. (Neon signs #1-4 that have led me to my current path.) And while I've learned to work with my new limitations, my heart has permanent damage that causes me to get tired more quickly. Then this past December I had half my right lung removed due to a cancerous tumor. (Neon Sign #5) So now my breathing capacity is diminished too. I had several complications from it including a broken rib from the surgery that still bothers me, had to have 3 liters of fluid removed in 3 separate procedures that continued to collect in my chest, and pretty sure my vocal cord was damaged from the breathing tube too as three months later I continue to cough and choke every time I eat drink and talk. (Neon signs #6-10 telling me to SLOW DOWN and that I really need to consider this new direction thing it keeps whispering/yelling to me about. Like, NOW. ) My recovery is still sloooooowwwwllyy ongoing and its been frustrating not being able to function like I am used to. I've had little choice but to go slow. I honestly don't know if I will be 100% again. I hope so, but like my heart I'm sure there will be new limitations with my lung I will have to learn to adjust to and work around.
So I cant help thinking there are all these giant neon signs telling me its time to stop the physical labor. To do something else now. Because I'm really struggling to do what I used to anymore. Not just physically, but mentally too. Physically and mentally right now I need a lot of rest days. I know that is partly due to my surgery recovery, but its also coming from my Soul. My Soul is tired of doing what we are doing. I feel so much resistance to doing murals and physical paint jobs nowadays. But, I also need to pay my bills and that is how I currently do it. So there is a big tug of war going on between my Soul and mind right now, between what I want and what I need, between what is known and unknown, between what I should do and Must do.
I am someone who believes in Woo and magical things and connecting to the Universe. I feel and hear the whispers of my Soul, see the signs from the Universe and messages from spiritual animal guides pointing me in new directions - someone who asks for guidance, and receives it. It may not manifest in the ways I want, (dang it again!) But it always does in the ways I need. And lately they are all saying - slow down, be still and quiet, be soft and gentle, take your time, listen, follow what feels good and exciting, be in flow, go inward and connect, center, ground. Just BE. Lately what feels good and exciting is sitting on my back porch, watching the birds and squirrels, staring into space, and just BEing in nature. Also reading and working thru things internally. I feel like I am/need to be in hibernation mode right now. That my being is shifting and evolving and rising and needs time to quietly process all of that. And when I try to push myself to work and get things done - my Soul (and body) throws up big walls of resistance and I get upset and frustrated that I cant seem to get anything done! But I'm learning its because I'm just not supposed to right now. I am still healing, my body needs more time. My Soul needs me to connect to it and then follow the path I know I'm meant to be on. And that path is slow and meandering right now. The only way to follow your soul and truly know what it is saying, is to get quiet and listen. Often. So that is where I am.
My biggest struggle currently is that my creativity seems to be cocooning as well. In all this slow quiet evolving time - I should at least have energy to draw and paint right? HA!! Evidently my creativity is doing some quiet soul searching as well.
The heart of my Soul, the very essence of my being is Love and Creativity. I am here to create things in my own quiet, unique, magical way, and I have blessedly been given the talent to back that up. I KNOW with every fiber of my being that I was born to create artful things. That I am here to live a creative, passionate, authentic Soul fulfilling life. So the answer to my physical labor conundrum (so I keep hearing from inside me) is to become a studio artist. To stop going outward so much, and go inward. To create (draw, paint, craft, form, build, invent etc) whatever wants to come out of my soul, at home, in my own space and studio. Then share it with those in the world meant to connect to it. And mentor along the way (this part is just beginning to build in me. If you are familiar with Human Design its actually part of my design - I am here to create my own version of heaven on earth and share what I know with the world, to become a mentor/role model/master of my craft after the age of 50, which by the way is drawing very near. Not sure how that will look yet, but the thoughts and ideas are swirling).
But my creativity doesn't seem to want to play right now. I go in the studio with every intention of just playing with paint - no expectations, no pressure to create something amazing that will make me money.....just have fun and see what happens. Well, nothing is happening. I sit there for hours looking for that spark, for the colors that want to play, for an image that wants to materialize, for.......something. Anything! I force myself to start something hoping the very act of starting will propel me forward......and it ends up looking like a muddy mess. Or I get halfway thru and the inspiration and momentum just stops, my shoulders and head drop, and I have to walk away from the easel. I have a dozen or more half finished paintings I cant seem to complete, and nothing new wants to come out either. I am completely blocked. (And my bank account and ego are very frustrated with me.)
Be still. Be quiet. Slow down. I hear.
You HAVE to Do This! Do That! How will you pay your bills if you don't Make Money!! I also hear.
You will not become the highest version of yourself that allows creativity and abundance and beauty and magic to flow easily in, if you don't get quiet and LISTEN and BE what you are meant to be.
Um, but, hello?....$bills$?!!?!
And so the tug of war continues. But I'm working on it and beginning to gain the advantage. Because I know the correct answer, the right way for me. Ego and my bank account are just going to have to learn that they are not the boss of me.😉 That there is more money inside of me, than I will ever find outside of me, because IIIiiii am the source of creating everything I desire. I just need to believe in ME.
I've known for years now that selling my art is part of my future. I've said almost as long that I'm going to open an online shop to sell my art. But I still haven't. I love to create - but selling.....uhhh no. I am not a salesperson. And shipping? How do I ship art?! And prints? how do I do that?! How do I get good pictures of my art?! and taxes and marketing and building a website, and social media, and all the other businessy things???!! I DONT KNOW??!!!! Yes, I know I can learn all that stuff and I'm probably making it harder than it actually is but honestly - I don't wanna know how to do it all - I just want to create! And communicating with people to do any and all those things?!! Ugh. I'm SO not good at speaking. Writing and typing, yes - I can text and type all day long. Its my preferred methods of communication. But actually speaking to someone, and talking about....me? my art? pricing and business stuff, anything really??!....uh uh. No thank you. Do I reeeallly Haaaaaave to?! Sigh. My emotions are very raw and real and close to the surface, all the time. I tear up or cry at everything. Good, bad, happy sad - I feel it all. I am very empathetic and a very deep thinker, but a very awkward and uncomfortable speaker. Especially with tough and personal/ emotional conversations. I don't like showing my emotions like that and stumbling over my words when I speak, which I so often do, and feel stupid about. I don't want to sound stupid and all discombobulated and possibly embarrass myself. So unless I feel safe, confident and comfortable enough to use my voice, I tend to be very quiet.
And that's okay. It's who I am.
My point being tho - I know that in order to make being a fine artist successful and supportive for me - I'm gonna need to speak up. Right? I need to become visible, make my art visible and make my voice heard in some way. Because no one is going to buy anything when they don't even know I or my art exists, right? I see what other artists do on social media. I watch their videos, see their daily posts, their workshops.....they do So much! Selling and marketing and sharing. All. The. Time! And that scares me. I cant do that, how do I do that? I'll never be successful like they are! I don't want to do videos and talk on camera all the time. Or paint on camera. I don't know how, nor do I want to do this thing or that thing, so how will this ever work?! How do I be successful like them???!!!
The answer is I'm not supposed to be like them. I'm supposed to do this MY way.
I need to stop falling into the comparison trap and blocking my forward moving energy before I even start.
What the hell is MY way tho?!
I don't know fully yet, and that's okay too. Its part of the process of evolution. My way is definitely quieter tho. My way will probably consist of sharing somewhere, in some way, my art and stories in written form of how my art came to be. My way also wants to have an amazing personal assistant/manager someday to free up my energy from stressing over the selling and business side, so I can just do what I'm here to do - Create. I create - they market and sell and ship for me. So Universe if you're listening, please bring me that perfect person who fits Me and can help do what I need. Sooner rather than later would be great!😁
In the meantime I will continue to listen to my Soul and be in the flow of each day.
Yesterday the flow took a sharp fast turn when my friend showed up at my door saying her client wanted to see a few of my paintings. She walked in, took 3 of them down off my walls and left in a whirlwind. And I freaked out. Literally. OH. MY. GOD! I haven't priced these yet or prepped them for sale - how do I price them? I know she's gonna call me and ask a price. what are they worth? what am I worth? Do I price to sell or price what I think they're worth? WHAT ARE THEY WORTH??????!!!! HOW DO I DO THIS!!! I'M NOT READY!!!! I frantically began crunching different numbers. I broke down and curled up in a ball in a corner of the studio and freaked the fuck out!! I cant do this! How do I do this?! Can I do this?! This is what you want right? To sell your art? To stop the heavy physical labor, to be able to slow down and have your art support you, right? Well it starts here, right now, this very minute, with this piece and how you price it and move forward. Are you gonna undervalue yourself again, or be brave and confident?! How are you gonna make this thing you say you want to do a success if you cant get your shit together, stand up, believe in yourself and and ask your worth??!!!!
The Universe was bringing me a hard fast lesson that's for dang sure! But it was also bringing me exactly what I'd been asking for.
In the end I did. I took deep breaths, aligned with what I knew felt good inside me, stood up and asked for my and the paintings worth. Actually I didn't ask, I Said what it was worth. Period. I shared a bit of the story I have with Heron with the client and why that piece means so much to me, and promised a printout of the full story. I thanked her for her interest in my art whatever she decided. And it sold! The client had connected to Heron as much as I did.
And THAT is what I want. The connection - mine to my art and Soul, and the buyers to the art, its story and their own Soul. I want people to FEEL something from my art. Be drawn to it in some way that speaks to their Soul as well. Life is about stories and we connect to it and each other thru our stories.
I don't want to create art just to make money. My Soul will actually not allow me to. Money is not a motivator for me. (As much as I and my bank account would like it to be, haha.) My creativity fights me when money is the goal, and I struggle to produce anything. I don't want to become a machine cranking out murals and cabinets and walls and painting after painting just so I can pay my bills and maybe if I'm lucky, afford a month long trip to Italy someday. I mean I do want to pay my bills and have plenty left over for my dream Italy trip someday - but THAT is not the main objective for me and creating.
I am here to live a Creative, Authentic, Passionate, Soul fulfilling life. Period.
THAT is my purpose in this lifetime. And I do that by living life to its fullest, and sharing my Soul art and stories.
Money is the by product of living my life that way. This is the lesson I am learning.
I know the pain and heartache and exhaustion of not listening to my Soul. I did it for years and years. Doing things for everyone else but me. Putting my needs last over the job or family wants/needs. Working my ass off giving 150% while undervaluing my time and worth, and disappointing myself and my soul in the process. (I am a recovering people pleaser after all.)
But now it is time to do things MY way. To fully learn what MY way is. To allow my creativity to evolve with unconditional love and joy. To stand up and stop shortchanging myself and my work. To know I am worthy, my art is worthy, and to ask for what I, and it, deserves. To listen to my Soul and Trust that the Universe has my back and will bring me what I need when I need it. Always.
Heron proved that to me yesterday. It's hard to let this painting go. But I also know I have to and that its going to a good home where it will be appreciated and loved. And that's important to me. Heron has been watching over me for almost 7 years now. He never steers me wrong. Teaching me Patience. Guiding me. Reassuring me I will be okay. Always. That the Universe is always watching and helping me. I just have to Trust and believe in it. Believe in me.
Heron needs to fly now so he can open more doors for me and watch over me as this next phase of my life cocoons and unfolds, and a new chapter begins. I'm not sure exactly what it will be about (that's the beauty and mystery of life), but finally opening an online store of some kind is definitely coming soon. Now that that first sale is done, I know I can do the next one, and the next one. I just need to be a bit more ready than I was yesterday haha. And if I'm not for whatever reason, I need to make sure to slow down in that moment, connect to my Soul, and step into my worth.
Our Souls always know the right way for us. We just have to listen.💖
If you'd like to read the story of my Heron painting you can find it here -
http://beyondthecanvasohio.blogspot.com/2015/11/art-every-day-day-22-patience.html
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