I've been wanting to start several paintings lately. But every time I sit down at the canvas......they won't come. Sometimes I just try to mess around - like the red orange and yellow piece I did over the weekend, Other times I need some fuel. So then I do some research.....I look at images online, and sayings, trying to find something that sparks me and says Yes - this is the direction! This is how I start! And then I turn back to the canvas trying to bring on the good vibe and......... nothing. I can't seem to actually pick up a brush and start. Or, I can't find that spark I've been looking for, and I try to go on with it anyway, but I still sit here...... with nothing happening. Or not happening well. Like I thought it should.
And I know exactly what the problem is. The problem is - the image in my head is not ready to be birthed yet. It's not the right spark or image. Its not ready, or I'm not ready. I'm not open enough to it. I am still too blocked with years of shit and negativity and disbelief and self loathing. I am not in a trusting place. Trust that I can do this. Trust that the image will come when I pick up the brush. Trust that I am worthy enough to create it.
And so I struggle. Internally. And externally. What we are inside - is what we project outside. I am lost and confused and depressed and have feelings of unworth. And it shows on the outside. And I know they are all lies. I KNOW they are lies. They are 35+ years of beliefs I have come to associate as who I am. I wasn't good enough as a kid - so I must not be good enough now. That person doesn't like me or want to talk to me - so why would anyone else want to like me or talk to me? That painting didn't turn out so great so why would I think the next one will? All these thoughts are lies. It's all bullshit! I know that. They are just thoughts and I am being a victim to them. These thoughts are not who I am. I am beauty and light and love. And a little bit of quirky craziness. I know I am these things - I FEEL them deep down inside of me. But I am afraid to let them show most of the time. I have such a deep need to be liked and accepted that I'm scared of showing my true self for fear I won't be liked. Which is stupid. I know I shouldn't care what others think. But so many hard lessons in my life have ingrained these beliefs in my DNA. And its really hard to remove and change your DNA. But that is what this journey I am on is all about. I'm not trying to change myself per say, I am just trying to bring the me I know exists deep inside - the REAL me - to light, and let go of the false negativity that has been my guiding force for what feels like forever.
My whole life has been spent trying to be what I think others need me to be - good enough for my parents, the perfect mom, and wife, and friend. A people pleaser. And I've ignored myself and my own needs and wants - put them on the back burner until I can maybe find a few minutes to squeeze me time in. Doing so without guilt is rare though. And its been harder and harder these last few years to be all these things I am not, or really don't want to be - to wear this mask hiding the real me. I'm not perfect but I damn sure try to be, and I hate myself when I'm not. And that's just wrong. It's my thoughts trying to control me. My Soul has been screaming at me inside, especially the last year and a half. Its been hard to breathe. To function. I've been at war with myself inside - wanting to be me, NEEDING to be me and to find the real me and bring her to the surface,make myself a priority for a change, yet still be all things to everyone else and not disappoint them.
I reached a breaking point this year, and have finally taken the steps I needed to take, for me - to become me - the me I know I am inside. But its difficult. And I struggle everyday. Art is a big part of this journey - finding my voice, my calling. But I'm struggling with it too. I took on this Art Every Day journey in hopes it would force me be creative and find my way to my artistic voice. But part of the problem is, I want it now! lol. I want to create these masterpieces now! And I get frustrated when they won't manifest. And I start the depressing cycle again. I know these things take time. And I just need to slow down, and breathe, and be in the moment. Whats meant to happen will happen - when its time for it to happen. That's my mantra. I just have to keep reminding myself of it. All day. Every day.
So today has been an internal struggle for me. So much so I actually had to go take a nap for a bit because I just couldn't deal anymore. When I got up I came into the studio.....and here I've sat for over 2 hours trying to figure out what to do. What to create. I think I have finally decided on a subject. a good one - the right one. But its not going to be a quick painting. This one will take some time. It DESERVES time spent on it- more than a few quick hours so I have something to show. But seeing as its after 7 pm already - I may not get enough done to show here today. Though I suppose there are 4+ hours left in the day, so we'll see.
I guess my point in this post today is that - art is not always easy - even for an artist. Just because I have a natural talent, doesn't mean I can whip up something out of thin air at a moments notice. Sometimes I can. But more often than not - it takes thought, planning, researching, preparation, and frankly - ya just gotta be in the mood too! Especially when it comes from your soul. I have to force myself to paint all the time when it comes to murals and doing commissions for people. I don't always like the subject matter, or want to paint or draw some days - but in order to get paid, sometimes I have to suck it up and just do it, or I won't be paying my own bills. But when it comes to painting what I want to paint, painting from my soul, even when its calling me very loudly to do so - it still can be a difficult journey to take. Today has been one of those days.
But I'm working on it. :-)
And I will do something artistic today - I've made the commitment to. I just need to give myself a little push.
Stay tuned.
8:15 pm - update - I have blocked in the background base coat. This is going to be a rather large detailed acrylic painting. My first of this caliber on canvas. 30"x 40" This is all I will most likely get done tonight as it needs to dry. But I am excited for it. The subject matter is near and dear to my soul (more on that at a later date) - which is probably why it is coming easier to me right now, and feels right to be doing. Finally. My week is busy though from this point forward, so I will not be making major progress on daily basis. But that's ok - its a lesson in patience - which ironically is what I have decided the name of this painting most likely will be.
So beautiful - hard to believe that there is more to come. This post reminds me of Blurryface - no wonder the album/concert had spoken so loudly to both of us.
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