Creative Battle

 

On this beautiful Easter day, my thoughts are centered around the battles I have with myself and creativity - my gift from the Universe.

I saw a video this morning with Elizabeth Gilbert and Russel Brand talking about creativity. I’m totally paraphrasing here but basically Liz talked about this internal battle we so often face. Creatives are given a “thing” (for her its writing, for me its Artistic talent) from this great mysterious place. I call it the Universe and my Soul. Some call it God, or Spirit, or the great unknown….but whatever you call it and wherever it comes from it is unique and special to each of us and part of our purpose in this lifetime.

As we are developing our gift, we often find ourselves in that place of frustration where our work is NOT reflective of what’s in our head. We KNOW what “Good” looks like – we’ve seen it and heard it in others and even in our own minds……yet we ourselves just can’t seem to make what we are working on THAT kind of good (yet). And thus we go to war with ourselves and our creative muse.

We fight with the gift we have been given rather than nurturing it.

We all know practice makes us better. (I hesitate to say perfect, as there is no such thing – tho the perfectionist in me is giving me the hands on hips side eye at that statement lol.) It takes time, lots of learning and trial and error to get “good” at something.

So often we have an amazing idea and see its end result in our imaginings – and the excitement of it drives us to set forth on this creative adventure with stars in our eyes and a skip in our step.

But when the reality doesn’t quite match up….Ego steps in and we start beating ourselves up, even if it was our first attempt at it. We feel like since we imagined it, we SHOULD know how to do this thing we’ve never done before. But when we don’t, we like a failure – who do you think you are to create like THAT – you’re not that good, that smart, that talented. See! That was a stupid idea.

And we stop ourselves before we really even get going.

I can’t tell you how many half-painted canvases and sketchbooks full of ideas I have laying around unfinished and unrealized. Ideas that started off exciting and full of life but hit a roadblock somewhere along the way (either in my head or in their execution or in my lack of time) and instead of finding my way around….I left them abandoned at the side of the easel, thinking maybe someday I’ll be in a better place to finish them.

And there they still sit.

I’ve been drawing and painting in some way or another for almost 50 years. You would think I’d be amazing and uber confident in my abilities by now. And in some areas, I am. 20 some years of painting murals, especially at daycares where I had deadlines and massive amounts of detailed work to get done in a short amount of time – taught me how to be quick and push thru the roadblocks. I feel very confident in my skills and execution of meeting my, and my client’s expectations as a mural artist, even when the logistics of the job itself are overwhelming and frustrating.

But I’m struggling to translate that drive and energy into the fine art studio artist side of things – a world I very much need and want to transition to as a main source of income. 4 heart attacks and lung cancer have taken a toll on my body and energy levels, and I need to move away from the physically demanding labor of standing and climbing ladders and scaffolds all day every day.

I would love nothing more than to spend my days in my studio creating magic and having it fully support me. That is the dream. And I don’t think its an unrealistic one given the talent I have been graced with.

I have yet to zero in on my creative voice tho – that “thing” I’m known for and is easily recognizable as MY style and that draws people to my art and makes them want to buy. I feel like I’m still all over the place – playing and experimenting with whatever Sparks my Soul in each moment - Animals, women, children, abstracts, landscapes, seascapes, trees, swirls, bright colors….so many ideas, so little time, especially with working a day job too.

That lack of focused consistency, and no looming deadlines to meet like I have with mural jobs, AND the frustrations of not always being able to fully translate the images in my head, has me not following thru time after time. It has me fighting a war with my own creativity – wanting it to be better than it currently is, when the only way its gonna get better…..is to keep painting and working on it.

To ALLOW my creativity and ‘voice’ the freedom and joy of playing and manifesting however they want to emerge from me – in their own way and time. To just let go of all expectations and FEEL into the creative process. THAT is where the magic happens. That is zone I LOVE getting lost in and where my Soul is happiest.

But while its easy to say – just do that then - actually doing it tends to be another story.

This is the path of the creative tho. Finding the balance of work and life and indulging the muse – not fighting against it.

So I’ve been working hard at accepting what is. Because it is what it is – this life, this moment, this circumstance or struggle. I may not like what IS. I may want to change everything about what IS – but it still IS right now. And getting upset about it serves no purpose – that won’t change what IS.

The only way to make what IS feel better is to accept it. And allow it to help you take the steps towards the better things you do want.

For me that means finding my way thru the roadblocks, meeting my creative muse on the other side again with an open heart and mind, and seeing where it leads.

Back to easel I go.

Soulful Sunday Musing - Listen to Your Soul

 

Do you LISTEN to your Soul?

Like REALLY LISTEN and follow the whispers (or loud screams) of guidance coming from within you?

Not the voices of others. Not the ego trying to protect you into sticking with the known path because it’s the easiest.

But the voices from deep within YOU.

From way beyond you.

Those gut feelings saying – YES, this!! or Noooo….NOT that. Saying - you deserve better, more, happier! Lets go this other way and see what new and exciting things it holds.  We need more color, fun, laughter, beauty, joy, Love and peace in our life – so lets find that!

It might be super easy to follow those leads…..or it might be really scary and hard.

But if you trust and believe in those Soul messages, your life will be that much richer and more content.

 

For many, MANY years I ignored the gut feelings and directions my heart and soul were trying to get me to hear and move towards. A lifetime of societal, parental and peer conditioning had me towing the line and following the path of SHOULD and people pleasing over my own Soul time and time again  -

I SHOULD listen to, and please my parents and elders ALWAYS. Even when it keeps me small. Even when I KNOW they are in the wrong and not being how a loving parent should be. But no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to do right by them, and I hate the way they make me feel, and even tho they say they love me, their actions say otherwise, and I feel so unloved, unseen and unheard. So I must not be a very good or worthy soul since those closest to me have so many problems with me just being ME. I Should be different than I am.

I SHOULD remain quiet and in the shadows, – it’s safer that way. Standing up for myself always gets me in trouble, or causes confrontation, or may hurt someone else’s feelings in some way. And I’m not supposed to hurt and confront others. I’m supposed to please and get along with ALL. So it’s better to be silent and compliant even if I KNOW I have something to say.

I SHOULD be better at school and get higher grades but no matter how hard I try I still just don’t get it. My brain is not understanding, nothing is sticking. So there must be something wrong with me – I’m just not smart enough or trying hard enough - even tho I KNOW I am where it truly matters.

I just want to paint and create things and I KNOW this is what I was born to do. Why I’m here….. but everyone says that’s not a REAL job. That this path will be a struggle and I might “starve” so I SHOULD have alternate/better plans, and I SHOULD have a college degree to be the most successful, even tho I’m not good at school.

I SHOULD dress and act different than I do so people will want to be my friend and hang around me, even if I KNOW that doesn’t feel authentic to me.

I SHOULD get married because I’m pregnant even tho I KNOW something feels off.

I SHOULD set my career hopes and dreams aside to stay home and raise my children because that’s what a loving wife and mom does – she sacrifices herself for the sake of the family. Right?

I SHOULD stay married for the kids sake and because my husband is a good guy, and because my parents divorce was miserable (and thus I was miserable) and I don’t want that for my kids too….even tho I KNOW everything inside me is wanting to take a different path, and my marriage is NOT my parents marriage nor do the outcomes need to be the same.

I SHOULD be angry and dislike my ex like every other divorced couple I know does – even though I’m the one who wanted out and he’s one of the best people I know, he can always make me laugh, and we had a great friendship and life together for the most part – we just didn’t have that deep soul connection as a couple that we both needed. Something was missing and we just weren’t meant to go the long haul. But I KNOW we can still come out the other side of this in a good place.

I SHOULD ALSO Not like his new wife even though she is awesome and his perfect fit and loves my kids like they’re her own – which was the whole point of divorce – to find our better Soul match.

I SHOULD paint what the majority of people out there want if I want to be successful – NOT what lights me up the most. My colors are “too bright and loud” – nobody wants to hang THAT in their house. I Should tone things down. Even tho I KNOW my fans and buyers are out there – I just need to believe in my art and attract them.

I SHOULD market and run my business like THEY do and say – even tho that doesn’t feel true and right for me. I don’t know exactly what does feel true and right yet – but it’s not THAT way. I KNOW my way is best – I just need to figure out what that is.

I SHOULD follow all the rules and do my best to fit in….when I KNOW I am clearly made to stand out in my own unique way.

 

Yeah…….Fuck all that “Should” shit.  

I SHOULD live my life how I want….not how they think I should.

 

For 40 some years I followed the path of people pleasing –at home, at school, with friends, in my marriage, at work…. putting everyone else’s wants and needs in front of mine to keep the peace and keep them as happy as I could. Even if it made me unhappy.

And Boy was I UNHAPPY inside. For as long as I can remember.

When the screams of my Soul trying to claw its way out of me became too much to ignore – begging me to make big changes with the giant Neon Signs of 4 heart attacks and a back surgery in the span of 7 years, and my body physically AND mentally not allowing me to keep people pleasing and doing things I no longer wanted to do -  I finally began listening to the inner Soul messages I was receiving and following them.

 And my world began to right itself.

 The veil of depression and smallness I’d lived under most of life began to evaporate and the world became more colorful and hopeful.

When I started making myself a priority and doing more of what I enjoyed and wanted – everything just got better. My entire system calmed down and good things aligned and fell into place.

I would love to tell you it was easy to just walk away, just say what needs said and do what you want to do and follow what feels good…..and that I consistently follow my Soul every minute of every day now too. But things are never that easy, and living your Souls dream life takes work and patience.

Doing what’s best for you, is not always best for those around you either (especially at first glance) and that’s a hard thing for a people pleaser to get thru – that your happiness will potentially be someone else’s pain for a while.

It requires a TON of bravery and strength in self to listen and follow your Soul, particularly when others are closely involved. But we can do hard things.

There is also a LOT of long held trauma and ingrained belief systems that need to be healed, loved and let go of along the way. Especially when you are a sensitive empathic Soul like I am who feels what others feel too. My emotions run deep and have been suppressed for decades, typically only released in times of solitude for fear of confrontation. So I’m still learning it’s okay to fully express them, especially in front of others. That doing so helps us grow.

But damn is my SOUL happier overall. And when its not, it means I’m not listening and living authentically again.

 I feel so much more peace when I do listen and follow my gut reactions and guidance.

That is always the core benchmark for me – if its feels good and peaceful inside me – it’s the correct way.

Once you awaken to your Souls messages, acknowledge them, and begin doing the things that make you feel the most Alive – there is no going back without an internal fight. It’s almost torture to NOT follow your inner wisdom - to go back to following the “Shoulds” that life and society tend to demand of you.

This is where stress and anxiety and overwhelm come into play.

Sometimes tho, you may need more time to make that change you most want to make to follow that new path, and it may feel like its eating away at your soul in the meantime. But if you reframe it as a temporary but necessary path on the way to your dreams – it will make it easier to get thru.

Just be aware and don’t allow yourself to get stuck on that hamster wheel, or you’ll fall into the misery trap again.

 Your Soul WILL let you know when its time to go a different way. Your Soul will NEVER steer you wrong – it always knows what is the best way to get you where you are meant to be. And often, the quickest path is also the hardest path which is where the strength and bravery comes in. But its also the most profound and impactful.

 

Along the way be sure to find ways to bring small pockets of joy into your days anyway you can. Sparks of Soul I call them – something that ignites a bit of joy and fire within you.

Life has a way of putting exactly what you need in front of you – if you’re open to seeing it.

Whether it’s a hobby you enjoy, a piece of art that speaks to you, a book or an activity, its important to surround yourself with inspiration and beauty and deeper connection.

Time in nature is one of the best medicines out there and I personally try to take time outside every single day walking or just sitting in the sun with my eyes closed connecting to all that is.

It just makes everything feel alright.

So get quiet and listen. Close your eyes and SEE.

What is your Soul trying to say to you? You KNOW.

You’ve ALWAYS known – you’re just not always paying attention.

Or you’re too stuck in what already is and don’t think you CAN change things up now.

Which is Bullshit.

If you’re still breathing – you CAN build yourself a better life, do things differently.

LIVE!!!

 

So get out there and Rock the Damn Boat! Make waves and jump and play in them too! Build a whole new bigger better boat in all the best colors and styles YOU love. If you don’t know what you love, what you want to do or where you want to go…..then take the time to figure it out.

What Sparks your Soul? What lights you up inside and out? What is calling to you and makes you smile, or brings you a sense of peace? That Ahhhh…..YES…..this feels amazing!! feeling.

THAT is your Soul speaking to YOU.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about your path and likes and dislikes…..only YOU.

We may be living in a world full of people and sharing our lives with a close few. But we are still each one of us on a personal journey of the individual Soul.

So the only thing that truly matters is – are you living your life the way YOU want?

If not…..its time to start listening.